Abandon Ship!

Good happening.

As some of you know and many of you don’t care, there will be a roast of Devin Monaghan (!) Monday, December 17th, 2012 at the Red Room. First let me say that the Red Room is my favorite place to perform comedy in Portland, and I’m thrilled they’re hosting a roast for me.

But why roast me? We all know there’s limitless material on how deplorable I am, but why bother? What have I done to deserve such special attention? Well, in this case, it’s not what I’ve done as much as what I’m doing.

In January, I’ll be moving to Vietnam to teach English. You’re welcome. 

This may shock some, but remember that it’s always been my dream to talk for a living. Indeed, the Vietnamese are desperate for native English speakers to teach how to speak English without an accent, and somehow Americans qualify as native English speakers. I’ll be teaching advanced students only, so I won’t need to know any Vietnamese in order to convert them away from their heathen gibberish.

Before I continue, I’d like to urge all my atheist friends to convert to Christianity. No? That didn’t work? Well God, I tried.

A little education is in order. Vietnam is considered part of the “developing world” because unlike the US, Vietnam is still developing. I’ll live in Saigon, a city of nine million people and the commercial capital of Vietnam, where so many parents want their children to learn English that language schools of every repute dot the city, many of which will accept walk-in native English speakers to teach. Enter the Devin. Further, the pay for such jobs combined with the low cost of living means that this move will be financially sustainable, unlike my medium-term future here in the US.

But I’m as much moving to Vietnam as I am leaving America. The question isn’t why should I leave, but why would I stay? I’m a community college dropout trying to make it as a stand-up comedian. What odds would you give me? One-out-of-never? Plus, if I got a “real” job here, I’d be taking it away from someone who needs it more than me, and I’d still be making less money than I would in Vietnam. I could go back to school, but I loathe college, and completing my degree would just give me a diploma to stare at while I’m unemployed or underpaid.

And let’s face it, a college degree won’t fix what’s wrong with me. I have room to grow, and that won’t come in a classroom. Living abroad in a developing country will push me past my limited experiences, and might even cure some of my pompous narcism. At the very least, I’ll stop taking what I have for granted once I see so many who have so little.

So there it is: I’m getting roasted because I’m leaving, and many fine comics want to get their shots in before I’m out of range. I know many of you will miss me, but worry not! Thanks to Facebook, most of you reading this will hardly notice my absence, since our relationship won’t change in the slightest.

I’m not sure how long this adventure will last, but rest assured I won’t be able to stay away from stand-up comedy forever. And when I come back, I’ll have a treasure trove of material and hopefully an Asian accent: simply put, I’ll be unstoppable, like Shaq if he could shoot three pointers and free throws.

Besides my family, I’ll miss stand-up comedy the most. When I started performing in earnest, I was angry and scared. I took the stage barely three months after my Mom transitioned to whatever’s next. Ever since then, stand-up comedy has transformed me in ways that I couldn’t predict and still have trouble understanding. Besides changing the way I write, comedy has blessed me with a formula to turn piss into wine. When something bad happens to me, I’m giddy with excitement to make others laugh about it. Comedy didn’t save my life, it just gave me direction.

I’ll miss Portland Comedy more than Portland Comedy will miss me, and it frustrates me that I’m leaving just when I feel our scene capitalizing on incredible momentum. I look forward to not recognizing Portland Comedy when I return, and I doubly look forward to Portland Comedy not recognizing me upon my return.

That’s why it is an undue privilege for me to be sent out by the jokes of other comedians. I hope everyone reading this can make it to my roast, and those who show up will be remembered and held in my heart forever.

In closing, I love you all so much, and you each have more potential than you can possibly understand. Now please send me your money.

Hark! (Published 9-23-10 by the Lake Oswego Review)

Currently, the state of Oregon is facing a massive budget shortfall the likes of which we have not seen for a few years and aren’t likely to see again for a couple more. But between all the moaning and groaning, our leaders have failed to see this problem for what is really is: An opportunity in disguise.

Before any discussion of meaningful solutions can occur, however, we must first recognize the root cause of our current budgetary boondoggle: The casual arrogance of Oregon children to assume that they are entitled to a comprehensive education.

Our antiquated educational system takes an asset such as an energetic, enthusiastic and (most importantly) affordable labor force and turns it into a demographic that is almost entirely reliant upon the government. Is there any wonder that more is being spent to achieve less? What is needed is not additional resources, but a Renaissance of reform and restructuring.

Luckily, by providence or accident, I have been educated enough to proffer up a few pointers.

My first recommendation is obvious: Do away with recess and replace it with telemarketing. Students will learn valuable skills regarding rejection, salesmanship, and the cruelty of their fellow man. This will kill two birds with one stone: Building valuable experience for the workplace and raising money to pay for their free education.

My second suggestion is to replace physical education with physical labor. For instance, students could plant forests that would be clear cut in the future, perhaps by the same hands that planted them! Children will be getting much needed physical activity, while decreasing their already considerable carbon footprint. In addition, we can reduce electricity expenditures by focusing on cardiovascular health via exercise bikes hooked up to electric generators. Why let kinetic energy go to waste?

Furthermore, since almost all students are already fluent in the language, we can replace unnecessary English classes with more forward-thinking Chinese classes, seeing as future employers will be concerned more with a student’s understanding of Mandarin than Macbeth.

Next, we should take a proactive and preemptive approach towards the teaching of history. For example, in social studies classes, the curriculum should focus on American economic superiority, as that will soon be history.

We must also recognize that in our culture, there have been a number of changes that our education system has failed to recognize and have resulted in certain classes becoming obsolete. Music is more accessible than ever, with students listening to it before, after, and often during classes. To spend precious money on courses devoted to music seems like a luxury we need just as much as we can afford. Likewise, classes focusing on sex education have been made supremely superfluous, thanks in large part to Hollywood. Never let it be said that the private sector can’t perform valuable services better than the state.

With these simple solutions, the state can not only save money on classes, but actually earn money through classes! But be forewarned: opposition to these progressive and profitable proposals is further evidence of our failing educational system.

Generation Indentured (Published 4-14-10 by The Oregonian)

Thomas Jefferson had it right when he said, "Every generation needs a new revolution." If steps aren't taken soon, the Baby Boomers will turn our nation's youth into a generation of indentured servants. 

In regard to cross-generational government debt, Jefferson wrote: "We seem not to have perceived that, by the law of nature, one generation is to another as one independent nation to another." 

Oh boy, would he be irked. For the sake of brevity, let's run down a few facts from the Congressional Budget Office: 


 This year, the federal government spent $1.67 for every dollar it collected. 


 Current CBO projections have the debt growing at a faster pace than the economy for at least the next decade. 


 By 2020, yearly interest payments on the debt alone will cost America $900 billion. 


One CBO estimate pegs the debt to become 200 percent of America's GDP by 2035. 


U.S. debt is at $12.6 trillion, with $107 trillion in unfunded future liabilities. 

That last point regarding the unfunded liabilities is the most striking. These include future obligations to entitlement programs. Who will pay for all of this? The Baby Boomers will to a certain extent, but as they retire, they will leave behind a mountain of debt and an uphill fiscal and economic battle for future generations. 

If the rallying cry for our nation's revolution was "No taxation without representation," why do we allow children to inherit government debt? How can we ask future generations to make sacrifices that we ourselves are not willing to bear? 

I believe morality to span religion, culture, society and, yes, generation. One wonders if the budget deficit is also a values deficit. Do we hold present times on a pedestal of egocentric importance, casting the future into the gutter of insignificance? 

It's easy to blame politicians for appealing to our instinctual focus on the near term, or the television media for obsessing on the present in order to garner higher ratings. 

But in the end, those who are accountable are the ones who have let themselves be led by the nose, and have done so for decades. The Baby Boomers have acquiesced to a fiscal policy of "wait and see what happens." It's not a Republican or Democratic thing. Both parties have painted themselves as responsible but have shown no regard for the financial well-being of future Americans. 

Now, if I seem too harsh on Baby Boomers for pillaging my generation's future, I'd be more than happy to write a piece criticizing my own generation. I fear, however, that all the newspapers in the country combined lack the logistical resources to publish such a lengthy critique. 

The Black Hole of Black Ops (Published 7-10-11 In The Oregonian)

With the Supreme Court striking down a California law prohibiting the sale of mature video games to people younger than 18, controversy has again been aimed at video game violence and its impact on youth. But those decrying violent shooter games are off target with their concern. Video games haven't turned our nation's youth into serial killers. Rather, video games have transformed much of our nation's youth into zombies. 

One example of electronic obsession is "Call Of Duty: Black Ops," a game played mostly by 18- to 24-year-olds, an age group I belong to and look forward to exiting. According to Activision (the game's publisher), "Black Ops" earned $360 million on the first day of its release, and it took less than a month and a half for sales to hit the $1 billion mark. Within that month and a half, nearly 70,000 man-years of time, or 600 million man-hours, had been spent playing "Black Ops" online. It's been nearly eight months since "Black Ops" was released. 

This is time spent playing just one game, let alone "World of Warcraft," or games on hand-held devices. What begins as a youthful hobby (remember Pokémon?) develops into full-blown addiction. Much like delayed contact with drugs lessens the likelihood of addiction, early exposure to video games assures a lifetime of screen time. 

One secret to the success of these games is that they use a system of leveling up through the garnering of experience points. If you play the game long and well enough, you'll receive in-game attribute increases that give you advantages over other players. Sadly, self-betterment to my generation seems to be quantified in all the wrong ways. 

Mine is a generation that levels up in video games but stagnates in real life. While competing in virtual worlds, they become less competitive in the workforce. Many say our schools fail to prepare children for the reality of a global economy. But what can a teacher do when students spend more time with game controllers in their hands than they do with books? 

My analysis of video games could be questioned for being light on statistical studies, but rest assured, I have the grades to prove the damage done. I admit, however, that I am simply an observer among my generation, and I will leave the quantitative analysis to brighter, less distracted minds. But after more than 15 years in the education system, it's my hope that my elders might hear my words free of prejudice. 

History has taught that change must come from personal choice, not government directive. Let's acknowledge that parents are enablers, since many make the counterintuitive decision to reward academic performance with devices that hinder it. This is like rewarding good health with junk food. Too often as a society, we focus on knee-jerk reactions and sweeping changes, but forget that the big picture is composed of individuals, and thus, social progress originates from parents, not Big Brother or Uncle Sam. After all, who holds the purse strings? 


Devin Monaghan is a recovering video game addict and a standup comedian. He lives in Lake Oswego.