The Casual Arrogance of Existence
By Dr. Grundlewood
In 1994, the high minded people of Oregon passed legislation allowing for doctor assisted suicide. But why puppy guard this medical-cure-all for the sick and dying? Isn’t it discriminatory to say you can only kill yourself if you’re going to die anyway? Aren’t we all going to die anyway? It’s just a matter of how, when, and why. As a control freak, I’d prefer to determine each of those myself.
Self deletion is a lifestyle choice, not a medical procedure. Suicide laws fly in the face of what this country was founded upon. Many thought that our war against Great Britain was suicidal, and yet onward we fought, bravely standing still against lines of other stationary soldiers. The Declaration of Independence asserts that we have “certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” This is suicide in a nutshell! Nowhere does the Constitution give government the authority to stop citizens from offing ourselves.
Big Government reserves the right to kill at their own discretion, but believes average citizens don’t have the common sense to know when to end their own lives. For example, death-row inmates are often put on suicide watch, just so that the government can execute them later. This madness is typical Big Government run amok. Rather than being a crime, I believe that any felon who commits suicide should receive a full pardon, not another jail sentence. Speaking of which, many support the death penalty, hoping that it serves as a deterrent. If the death penalty deters crime, suicide prevents it altogether by either eliminating a criminal or eliminating a potential victim.
Even if suicide laws weren’t unjust, they’re unnecessary to most people, and ignored by self-deleters. Ask yourself, if suicide was legal, would you do it? Taken to a logical extreme, if capital punishment is a deterrent, then wouldn’t punishing failed suicide attempts with the death penalty decrease self-inflicted homicides?
It should be noted that even our attempts to prevent suicide backfire. Antidepressants may actually cause more suicides than they prevent. Prescription drugs, designed to enhance and/or prolong life, are an increasingly trendy method of suicide.
Of course, this is all supposing that suicide is detrimental to a society. But if suicide is so unwholesome, why have so many great people done it? If Socrates was smart enough to kill himself, what’s stopping you? Also, suicide has helped society. Let’s not forget that Hitler killed himself (like the failed artist he was). How many lives would’ve been saved if he had taken his life own earlier? Similarly, what current leaders would better serve society as suicide statistics rather than in positions of power?
As I will explain, we all have much to gain from other people self deleting.
Imagine how much shorter lines at the DMV would be if more people removed themselves from the roll call of the living. (Indeed, you wouldn’t ever have to be bothered by the DMV if you yourself self deleted.) Who can be against more parking spots at your favorite concert, which by the way, didn’t sell out immediately thanks to you-know-what. How many times do you look around in traffic at a fellow motorist and think, “does that person really need to exist?”
But more than that, let’s look at how suicide effects the environment. I can think of no quicker way to reduce one’s carbon footprint than self deletion. Let’s examine. If a self deleter is a motorist, that means less traffic. Even if he takes public transportation, this still opens up another seat for fellow commuters. If he’s a omnivore, that means less animals need die for his diet. If he’s childless, this prevents his procreation (and also prevents a potential abortion!). And as anyone knows, there’s nothing more destructive to the environment than human procreation. Other benefits ensue, such as less trash to the landfill, and less need for electricity. Indeed, nothing saves the planet like humans turning off the lights. He can further bless the planet by forsaking burial or filthy cremation in favor of mulching/composting.
Of course, not everyone will be equally convinced by these environmental benefits, so let’s also examine the economic benefits of self deletion. Poor and rich alike, everyone has much to contribute with death. People argue that unemployed welfare recipients are a drain upon society. Their self-deletion will free up resources for society, and fellow poor people. Less recipients means more of the welfare pie to go around to fewer hungry, desperate, filthy mouths.
But it’s not just the poor who can contribute to society with death. For example, an employed person can create a new job opening for others by self deleting. This will lower unemployment, and can lift selfishly-alive welfare recipients out of poverty!* If there are too many people and not enough jobs, why criminalize evening the odds?
What’s more, a multimillionaire’s death can be just as, if not more, beneficial. Even if they excel at their job, their death will bless government (read: the people) with added revenue thanks to the progressive estate tax that levies an exit tariff upon death. But watch out, if we raise estate taxes too high, we might make death too expensive for people.
Regardless, self deleters will decrease aggregate demand for goods, which will lower prices as fewer people are chasing after the same amount of goods. To simplify, think of the economy as an Ebay auction: the fewer the bids, the lower the price. Supply does eventually readjust to changes in demand, which is why it’s important to keep producers off balance. Surprise mass suicides are perfect for this. And although many prefer a quiet and dignified suicide, as a Keynesian, I must advocate otherwise. The more muck left behind, the more jobs are required to clean it up, and who wants to be against more jobs? Further, the more traumatic one’s suicide is for others, the more social workers/therapists are required to clean up the mess.
It’s worth pointing out that we all enter the world naked, screaming, and covered in blood. Some of us hope to exit the world in a similar fashion. I’m only committing suicide because I wasn’t aborted first. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be here, I wasn’t invited into life, I was dragged into the world kicking and screaming. Now that I’m here, my body my choice. They say suicide is the coward’s way out, but how many attempts have been foiled by second thoughts? Fear has thwarted more suicides than any helpline has, and many fear suicide since they fear commitment. If suicide was the easy way out, why do so many people fail? I think we can all agree that anyone who tries and fails to kill himself obviously needs help.
Many Christians and/or Catholics believe suicide to be a mortal sin. This is why I suggest a hemp rope for the job. With the chair kicked out, the inevitable is assured, but the self deleter still has enough time to repent before they pass (their bowels). This will still grant them eternal life in heaven, I think.
Conversely, I suggest liberal atheists use handguns, since they don’t need time to repent, but can still advance the anti-gun cause by transforming themselves into more cases of handgun violence. Lives are temporary, but statistics live forever. Indeed, one’s method of choice says a lot about them. As Marshall McLuhan once said about the media, the medium is the message. Pro-gun but anti-drug conservatives would do best to avoid the temptation of firearms, but maybe smoke some weed and drive into a telephone pole or watering pool. Just make sure it’s enough weed to show up on the toxicology report, but not too much that you lose your keys before you can leave the house.
Besides twitter updates, what greater statement is there than killing yourself?Although self deleters are removing themselves from the political system, by choosing to leave this existence they also send a clear message to politicians by voting with their feet, six inches above the ground. This statement also helps others, since although every vote counts, every vote counts a little more when fewer votes are cast.
Of course, there’s an element of hypocrisy in thinking others should kill themselves, but not you (the “you first/no, after you” dilemma). But don’t let ad hominem attacks slow you down: you can still make a difference. At this point, many are wondering why I haven’t followed my own advice. Patience, comrades, patience! I will indeed put my bullet where my mouth is, but only when the time is right. Until then, I must spread the gospel of self deletion as far and wide as I can. For although many argue that there is so much to live for, I’m confident you can see now that there is also much to die for, too!
Dr. Grundlewood is a mortician, and loves his job. “Waking up is the best part of my day, but going to sleep is the most exciting part.”
*if said worker is a CEO, certainly an unemployed welfare recipient won’t be hired to fill the vacancy, but rather, someone will be promoted to that position, thus opening their former post for someone else to be promoted ad infinitum until the groundskeeper is promoted to middle management and thus a new gardener is needed.
