The Casual Arrogance of Existence

The Casual Arrogance of Existence

By Dr. Grundlewood

In 1994, the high minded people of Oregon passed legislation allowing for doctor assisted suicide. But why puppy guard this medical-cure-all for the sick and dying? Isn’t it discriminatory to say you can only kill yourself if you’re going to die anyway? Aren’t we all going to die anyway? It’s just a matter of how, when, and why. As a control freak, I’d prefer to determine each of those myself.

Self deletion is a lifestyle choice, not a medical procedure. Suicide laws fly in the face of what this country was founded upon. Many thought that our war against Great Britain was suicidal, and yet onward we fought, bravely standing still against lines of other stationary soldiers. The Declaration of Independence asserts that we have “certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” This is suicide in a nutshell! Nowhere does the Constitution give government the authority to stop citizens from offing ourselves.

Big Government reserves the right to kill at their own discretion, but believes average citizens don’t have the common sense to know when to end their own lives. For example, death-row inmates are often put on suicide watch, just so that the government can execute them later. This madness is typical Big Government run amok. Rather than being a crime, I believe that any felon who commits suicide should receive a full pardon, not another jail sentence. Speaking of which, many support the death penalty, hoping that it serves as a deterrent. If the death penalty deters crime, suicide prevents it altogether by either eliminating a criminal or eliminating a potential victim.

Even if suicide laws weren’t unjust, they’re unnecessary to most people, and ignored by self-deleters. Ask yourself, if suicide was legal, would you do it? Taken to a logical extreme, if capital punishment is a deterrent, then wouldn’t punishing failed suicide attempts with the death penalty decrease self-inflicted homicides?

It should be noted that even our attempts to prevent suicide backfire. Antidepressants may actually cause more suicides than they prevent. Prescription drugs, designed to enhance and/or prolong life, are an increasingly trendy method of suicide.

Of course, this is all supposing that suicide is detrimental to a society. But if suicide is so unwholesome, why have so many great people done it? If Socrates was smart enough to kill himself, what’s stopping you? Also, suicide has helped society. Let’s not forget that Hitler killed himself (like the failed artist he was). How many lives would’ve been saved if he had taken his life own earlier? Similarly, what current leaders would better serve society as suicide statistics rather than in positions of power? 

As I will explain, we all have much to gain from other people self deleting.

Imagine how much shorter lines at the DMV would be if more people removed themselves from the roll call of the living. (Indeed, you wouldn’t ever have to be bothered by the DMV if you yourself self deleted.) Who can be against more parking spots at your favorite concert, which by the way, didn’t sell out immediately thanks to you-know-what. How many times do you look around in traffic at a fellow motorist and think, “does that person really need to exist?”

But more than that, let’s look at how suicide effects the environment. I can think of no quicker way to reduce one’s carbon footprint than self deletion. Let’s examine. If a self deleter is a motorist, that means less traffic. Even if he takes public transportation, this still opens up another seat for fellow commuters. If he’s a omnivore, that means less animals need die for his diet. If he’s childless, this prevents his procreation (and also prevents a potential abortion!). And as anyone knows, there’s nothing more destructive to the environment than human procreation. Other benefits ensue, such as less trash to the landfill, and less need for electricity. Indeed, nothing saves the planet like humans turning off the lights. He can further bless the planet by forsaking burial or filthy cremation in favor of mulching/composting.

Of course, not everyone will be equally convinced by these environmental benefits, so let’s also examine the economic benefits of self deletion. Poor and rich alike, everyone has much to contribute with death. People argue that unemployed welfare recipients are a drain upon society. Their self-deletion will free up resources for society, and fellow poor people. Less recipients means more of the welfare pie to go around to fewer hungry, desperate, filthy mouths.

But it’s not just the poor who can contribute to society with death. For example, an employed person can create a new job opening for others by self deleting. This will lower unemployment, and can lift selfishly-alive welfare recipients out of poverty!* If there are too many people and not enough jobs, why criminalize evening the odds?

What’s more, a multimillionaire’s death can be just as, if not more, beneficial. Even if they excel at their job, their death will bless government (read: the people) with added revenue thanks to the progressive estate tax that levies an exit tariff upon death. But watch out, if we raise estate taxes too high, we might make death too expensive for people.

Regardless, self deleters will decrease aggregate demand for goods, which will lower prices as fewer people are chasing after the same amount of goods. To simplify, think of the economy as an Ebay auction: the fewer the bids, the lower the price. Supply does eventually readjust to changes in demand, which is why it’s important to keep producers off balance. Surprise mass suicides are perfect for this. And although many prefer a quiet and dignified suicide, as a Keynesian, I must advocate otherwise. The more muck left behind, the more jobs are required to clean it up, and who wants to be against more jobs? Further, the more traumatic one’s suicide is for others, the more social workers/therapists are required to clean up the mess.

It’s worth pointing out that we all enter the world naked, screaming, and covered in blood. Some of us hope to exit the world in a similar fashion. I’m only committing suicide because I wasn’t aborted first. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be here, I wasn’t invited into life, I was dragged into the world kicking and screaming. Now that I’m here, my body my choice. They say suicide is the coward’s way out, but how many attempts have been foiled by second thoughts? Fear has thwarted more suicides than any helpline has, and many fear suicide since they fear commitment. If suicide was the easy way out, why do so many people fail? I think we can all agree that anyone who tries and fails to kill himself obviously needs help.

Many Christians and/or Catholics believe suicide to be a mortal sin. This is why I suggest a hemp rope for the job. With the chair kicked out, the inevitable is assured, but the self deleter still has enough time to repent before they pass (their bowels). This will still grant them eternal life in heaven, I think.

Conversely, I suggest liberal atheists use handguns, since they don’t need time to repent, but can still advance the anti-gun cause by transforming themselves into more cases of handgun violence. Lives are temporary, but statistics live forever. Indeed, one’s method of choice says a lot about them. As Marshall McLuhan once said about the media, the medium is the message. Pro-gun but anti-drug conservatives would do best to avoid the temptation of firearms, but maybe smoke some weed and drive into a telephone pole or watering pool. Just make sure it’s enough weed to show up on the toxicology report, but not too much that you lose your keys before you can leave the house.

Besides twitter updates, what greater statement is there than killing yourself?Although self deleters are removing themselves from the political system, by choosing to leave this existence they also send a clear message to politicians by voting with their feet, six inches above the ground. This statement also helps others, since although every vote counts, every vote counts a little more when fewer votes are cast.

Of course, there’s an element of hypocrisy in thinking others should kill themselves, but not you (the “you first/no, after you” dilemma). But don’t let ad hominem attacks slow you down: you can still make a difference. At this point, many are wondering why I haven’t followed my own advice. Patience, comrades, patience! I will indeed put my bullet where my mouth is, but only when the time is right. Until then, I must spread the gospel of self deletion as far and wide as I can. For although many argue that there is so much to live for, I’m confident you can see now that there is also much to die for, too!

Dr. Grundlewood is a mortician, and loves his job. “Waking up is the best part of my day, but going to sleep is the most exciting part.”

*if said worker is a CEO, certainly an unemployed welfare recipient won’t be hired to fill the vacancy, but rather, someone will be promoted to that position, thus opening their former post for someone else to be promoted ad infinitum until the groundskeeper is promoted to middle management and thus a new gardener is needed.

Abandon Ship!

Good happening.

As some of you know and many of you don’t care, there will be a roast of Devin Monaghan (!) Monday, December 17th, 2012 at the Red Room. First let me say that the Red Room is my favorite place to perform comedy in Portland, and I’m thrilled they’re hosting a roast for me.

But why roast me? We all know there’s limitless material on how deplorable I am, but why bother? What have I done to deserve such special attention? Well, in this case, it’s not what I’ve done as much as what I’m doing.

In January, I’ll be moving to Vietnam to teach English. You’re welcome. 

This may shock some, but remember that it’s always been my dream to talk for a living. Indeed, the Vietnamese are desperate for native English speakers to teach how to speak English without an accent, and somehow Americans qualify as native English speakers. I’ll be teaching advanced students only, so I won’t need to know any Vietnamese in order to convert them away from their heathen gibberish.

Before I continue, I’d like to urge all my atheist friends to convert to Christianity. No? That didn’t work? Well God, I tried.

A little education is in order. Vietnam is considered part of the “developing world” because unlike the US, Vietnam is still developing. I’ll live in Saigon, a city of nine million people and the commercial capital of Vietnam, where so many parents want their children to learn English that language schools of every repute dot the city, many of which will accept walk-in native English speakers to teach. Enter the Devin. Further, the pay for such jobs combined with the low cost of living means that this move will be financially sustainable, unlike my medium-term future here in the US.

But I’m as much moving to Vietnam as I am leaving America. The question isn’t why should I leave, but why would I stay? I’m a community college dropout trying to make it as a stand-up comedian. What odds would you give me? One-out-of-never? Plus, if I got a “real” job here, I’d be taking it away from someone who needs it more than me, and I’d still be making less money than I would in Vietnam. I could go back to school, but I loathe college, and completing my degree would just give me a diploma to stare at while I’m unemployed or underpaid.

And let’s face it, a college degree won’t fix what’s wrong with me. I have room to grow, and that won’t come in a classroom. Living abroad in a developing country will push me past my limited experiences, and might even cure some of my pompous narcism. At the very least, I’ll stop taking what I have for granted once I see so many who have so little.

So there it is: I’m getting roasted because I’m leaving, and many fine comics want to get their shots in before I’m out of range. I know many of you will miss me, but worry not! Thanks to Facebook, most of you reading this will hardly notice my absence, since our relationship won’t change in the slightest.

I’m not sure how long this adventure will last, but rest assured I won’t be able to stay away from stand-up comedy forever. And when I come back, I’ll have a treasure trove of material and hopefully an Asian accent: simply put, I’ll be unstoppable, like Shaq if he could shoot three pointers and free throws.

Besides my family, I’ll miss stand-up comedy the most. When I started performing in earnest, I was angry and scared. I took the stage barely three months after my Mom transitioned to whatever’s next. Ever since then, stand-up comedy has transformed me in ways that I couldn’t predict and still have trouble understanding. Besides changing the way I write, comedy has blessed me with a formula to turn piss into wine. When something bad happens to me, I’m giddy with excitement to make others laugh about it. Comedy didn’t save my life, it just gave me direction.

I’ll miss Portland Comedy more than Portland Comedy will miss me, and it frustrates me that I’m leaving just when I feel our scene capitalizing on incredible momentum. I look forward to not recognizing Portland Comedy when I return, and I doubly look forward to Portland Comedy not recognizing me upon my return.

That’s why it is an undue privilege for me to be sent out by the jokes of other comedians. I hope everyone reading this can make it to my roast, and those who show up will be remembered and held in my heart forever.

In closing, I love you all so much, and you each have more potential than you can possibly understand. Now please send me your money.

Hark! (Published 9-23-10 by the Lake Oswego Review)

Currently, the state of Oregon is facing a massive budget shortfall the likes of which we have not seen for a few years and aren’t likely to see again for a couple more. But between all the moaning and groaning, our leaders have failed to see this problem for what is really is: An opportunity in disguise.

Before any discussion of meaningful solutions can occur, however, we must first recognize the root cause of our current budgetary boondoggle: The casual arrogance of Oregon children to assume that they are entitled to a comprehensive education.

Our antiquated educational system takes an asset such as an energetic, enthusiastic and (most importantly) affordable labor force and turns it into a demographic that is almost entirely reliant upon the government. Is there any wonder that more is being spent to achieve less? What is needed is not additional resources, but a Renaissance of reform and restructuring.

Luckily, by providence or accident, I have been educated enough to proffer up a few pointers.

My first recommendation is obvious: Do away with recess and replace it with telemarketing. Students will learn valuable skills regarding rejection, salesmanship, and the cruelty of their fellow man. This will kill two birds with one stone: Building valuable experience for the workplace and raising money to pay for their free education.

My second suggestion is to replace physical education with physical labor. For instance, students could plant forests that would be clear cut in the future, perhaps by the same hands that planted them! Children will be getting much needed physical activity, while decreasing their already considerable carbon footprint. In addition, we can reduce electricity expenditures by focusing on cardiovascular health via exercise bikes hooked up to electric generators. Why let kinetic energy go to waste?

Furthermore, since almost all students are already fluent in the language, we can replace unnecessary English classes with more forward-thinking Chinese classes, seeing as future employers will be concerned more with a student’s understanding of Mandarin than Macbeth.

Next, we should take a proactive and preemptive approach towards the teaching of history. For example, in social studies classes, the curriculum should focus on American economic superiority, as that will soon be history.

We must also recognize that in our culture, there have been a number of changes that our education system has failed to recognize and have resulted in certain classes becoming obsolete. Music is more accessible than ever, with students listening to it before, after, and often during classes. To spend precious money on courses devoted to music seems like a luxury we need just as much as we can afford. Likewise, classes focusing on sex education have been made supremely superfluous, thanks in large part to Hollywood. Never let it be said that the private sector can’t perform valuable services better than the state.

With these simple solutions, the state can not only save money on classes, but actually earn money through classes! But be forewarned: opposition to these progressive and profitable proposals is further evidence of our failing educational system.

Generation Indentured (Published 4-14-10 by The Oregonian)

Thomas Jefferson had it right when he said, "Every generation needs a new revolution." If steps aren't taken soon, the Baby Boomers will turn our nation's youth into a generation of indentured servants. 

In regard to cross-generational government debt, Jefferson wrote: "We seem not to have perceived that, by the law of nature, one generation is to another as one independent nation to another." 

Oh boy, would he be irked. For the sake of brevity, let's run down a few facts from the Congressional Budget Office: 


 This year, the federal government spent $1.67 for every dollar it collected. 


 Current CBO projections have the debt growing at a faster pace than the economy for at least the next decade. 


 By 2020, yearly interest payments on the debt alone will cost America $900 billion. 


One CBO estimate pegs the debt to become 200 percent of America's GDP by 2035. 


U.S. debt is at $12.6 trillion, with $107 trillion in unfunded future liabilities. 

That last point regarding the unfunded liabilities is the most striking. These include future obligations to entitlement programs. Who will pay for all of this? The Baby Boomers will to a certain extent, but as they retire, they will leave behind a mountain of debt and an uphill fiscal and economic battle for future generations. 

If the rallying cry for our nation's revolution was "No taxation without representation," why do we allow children to inherit government debt? How can we ask future generations to make sacrifices that we ourselves are not willing to bear? 

I believe morality to span religion, culture, society and, yes, generation. One wonders if the budget deficit is also a values deficit. Do we hold present times on a pedestal of egocentric importance, casting the future into the gutter of insignificance? 

It's easy to blame politicians for appealing to our instinctual focus on the near term, or the television media for obsessing on the present in order to garner higher ratings. 

But in the end, those who are accountable are the ones who have let themselves be led by the nose, and have done so for decades. The Baby Boomers have acquiesced to a fiscal policy of "wait and see what happens." It's not a Republican or Democratic thing. Both parties have painted themselves as responsible but have shown no regard for the financial well-being of future Americans. 

Now, if I seem too harsh on Baby Boomers for pillaging my generation's future, I'd be more than happy to write a piece criticizing my own generation. I fear, however, that all the newspapers in the country combined lack the logistical resources to publish such a lengthy critique. 

The Black Hole of Black Ops (Published 7-10-11 In The Oregonian)

With the Supreme Court striking down a California law prohibiting the sale of mature video games to people younger than 18, controversy has again been aimed at video game violence and its impact on youth. But those decrying violent shooter games are off target with their concern. Video games haven't turned our nation's youth into serial killers. Rather, video games have transformed much of our nation's youth into zombies. 

One example of electronic obsession is "Call Of Duty: Black Ops," a game played mostly by 18- to 24-year-olds, an age group I belong to and look forward to exiting. According to Activision (the game's publisher), "Black Ops" earned $360 million on the first day of its release, and it took less than a month and a half for sales to hit the $1 billion mark. Within that month and a half, nearly 70,000 man-years of time, or 600 million man-hours, had been spent playing "Black Ops" online. It's been nearly eight months since "Black Ops" was released. 

This is time spent playing just one game, let alone "World of Warcraft," or games on hand-held devices. What begins as a youthful hobby (remember Pokémon?) develops into full-blown addiction. Much like delayed contact with drugs lessens the likelihood of addiction, early exposure to video games assures a lifetime of screen time. 

One secret to the success of these games is that they use a system of leveling up through the garnering of experience points. If you play the game long and well enough, you'll receive in-game attribute increases that give you advantages over other players. Sadly, self-betterment to my generation seems to be quantified in all the wrong ways. 

Mine is a generation that levels up in video games but stagnates in real life. While competing in virtual worlds, they become less competitive in the workforce. Many say our schools fail to prepare children for the reality of a global economy. But what can a teacher do when students spend more time with game controllers in their hands than they do with books? 

My analysis of video games could be questioned for being light on statistical studies, but rest assured, I have the grades to prove the damage done. I admit, however, that I am simply an observer among my generation, and I will leave the quantitative analysis to brighter, less distracted minds. But after more than 15 years in the education system, it's my hope that my elders might hear my words free of prejudice. 

History has taught that change must come from personal choice, not government directive. Let's acknowledge that parents are enablers, since many make the counterintuitive decision to reward academic performance with devices that hinder it. This is like rewarding good health with junk food. Too often as a society, we focus on knee-jerk reactions and sweeping changes, but forget that the big picture is composed of individuals, and thus, social progress originates from parents, not Big Brother or Uncle Sam. After all, who holds the purse strings? 


Devin Monaghan is a recovering video game addict and a standup comedian. He lives in Lake Oswego. 

An Uplifting Story For People Who Hate People

as a telemarketer, you talk to some interesting people. one time i talked to this guy who was hella bummed on life (i'm not a doctor, but i think it qualified as severe depression). after 5 minutes of leading me on, i finally did a hard sell move on him and he said he didn't want to buy but if i hung up he'd kill himself. i then gently informed him that company policy states that if he didn't buy our product, he'd be dead to me anyway.

the guy sounded fat, and i knew this cuz after talking to hundreds of people a day on the phone, you notice when 2 minutes into a conversation someone starts breathing heavy, and they ask you to call em back so they can catch their breath. this dude was heaving up a storm, so i ask him if he's fat, and he says he's "mildly overweight," to which i respond "just mildly overweight? fat chance fat ass, why don't you do me a favor and either buy my product or lower your community's carbon footprint by killing yourself. just make sure you don't do it by slitting your wrists, your arteries are so clogged it may take a month for you to bleed out. now i'll give you one more chance you lethargic loser, do you want to buy our self help book or not? no? wouldn't have helped anyway, enjoy the afterlife, here's hoping you slim down so you can fit through the gates of hell!"

i was let go two days later.

Behold, the Power of Silence

As many of you know, this Friday is the national Day of Silence, in honor of all who lack the courage to come out of the closet, cuz in case you don't know, now is worse than ever for gays and lesbians. In response to this sort of discrimination, on April 15th, gays and their heterosexual allies must be silent all day.

Not gonna lie, I'm stoked. If you're the type of person who'll participate in this vow of silence, chances are, your classmates will hail it as a holiday.

Let's be real, if the Silent Minority walked into class and started yelling at the top of their lungs, it'd increase awareness substantially more than silence. Also, it'd attract more participation. If there was a day of yelling, I'd plunge in, no matter the cause. How often do you get to scream in class? What a feeling.

But no, verbalizing distress is taboo on this day. So what if this Day of Silence finally takes off? Will they expand it? Maybe to a Week of Silence? Maybe the Month of Silence? Onward, ho!

If they really wanted to get gay marriage laws passed, they'd join with Republicans and find ways to disenfranchise African American voters.

I'm not trying to downplay the horrors of being gay in America in the 21st century, but how often are gays denied business loans cuz of their sexuality? When was the last time gays were called terrorists for their belief systems? Do gays get pulled over at higher rates than straights? Are gays more likely to go to prison than college? Do gays get paid significantly less for the same labor as straights?

I'm not arguing on behalf of the status quo, and as a Libertarian, I believe government should have no involvement in marriage. I'm privileged to have grown up in a community where those who persecuted gays were themselves ostracized. Perhaps I'm spoiled. I believe any discrimination based upon arbitrary factors such as gender, race, religion, age, and sexuality to be abhorrent.

But when some gays try to relate their battle for marriage to the Civil Rights movement, I get irked. It shows either the sort of massive self importance that only I can identify with, or a complete disregard for history. It's like Tea Party members thinking they're on level with the American Revolutionaries. It's silly at best, depressingly stupid at worst.

What I'm concerned about are the naturally shy students. You know, those that just wanna keep to themselves, don't want any trouble or real interaction for that matter. Will these introverted intellectuals feel the need to pipe up for their sexuality? Or for once, will their silence be taken as participation? And if one such boy sneezes out a sentence in class, will he be mocked as only speaking to pretend he's not gay?

Alas, the unintended consequences of silence. Maybe they can bury their heads in the sand in protest as well, since that's changed the status quo as often as silence has. What a joke.