My Set and Other Ancillary Anecdotes

Hmm.... been a while since I last updated. Why? Cuz I've been squirting my creative juices at other targets lately, and this has been lost in the shuffle. One project in particular has been commanding my attention (to the tune of over 6000 words in prewriting notes alone so far). It's sorta become unwieldy, and I have to be careful not to get overwhelmed and have my motivation lost in the sea of potential. Those of you with an above average sense of politics and storytelling will enjoy it.

But enough about my senseless drivel. Below is the set I was to perform last Wednesday, but got shafted in both time allotment and time slot, so instead I went on a rant and ended with Holocaust jokes. That's what happens when I'm put on 22nd out of 23 performers. And at least I didn't have to check my notes between my set ups and punchlines like other performers did. 

I don't want to discourage anyone from trying their hand at stand up, but seriously, memorize your set. If you don't, you know what it says to the crowd? "Hey guys, I have some jokes, I hope you like them, I enjoy them myself, but just not enough to memorize them." The exception is for performers who haven't hit the double digit mark for performances yet. But there are regulars at these gigs whose faces you never see cuz they're covered up by sheets of unfunny jokes. I at least give the audience the satisfaction of seeing my disappointed face when a joke fails.

But enough of my senseless diatribes. I'm just bitter cuz I suck.

So, here's the set I intended to perform, more or less word for word. (Note: my original set that I wrote was over 900 words long, but i painfully hacked away at it till it was under 500. Then I got told I'd only have 80% of the time i thought I would, and I don't like being told that, especially four drinks into a night and waiting three hours to get on stage.)

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last thursday was st paddy’s day, and despite being 100% iraqi, i was celebrating. i started it off like anyone else trying to get hammered: i gave blood. save lives and money on drinks!

it sucks this year, cuz both 4.20 and st paddies day fall during lent, so i’ve just decided to give up sacrifice. i’m not sure it’s worth it.

i hate the argument that if you legalize drugs, more people would do them. really? if we follow that logic, what would happen if you legalized suicide?

what would happen if we legalized sex with animals, but only in public? i’ll tell you what’d happen, i wouldn’t have time to come here, too busy elbow deep in bambi.

Isn't it ironical that in America, you can walk around in public with a loaded gun, but you can't have an open beer can? our government says we don’t want to set a bad example for our children, meanwhile we’re in two wars, cutting taxes for the rich and services for the poor, and couldn’t balance the budget if our children’s futures depended upon it. nah, beer in public sends the wrong message. 

so i hate nascar, sitting down and turning left for three hours isn't a sport. i realize that in places like mississippi, it holds all the intellectual suspense of jeopardy, but i hate it, can't stand it, couldn't pay me to watch it, i'd rather stare at my own melting schlong... But...

i would watch it, if they drove…have em take jager bombs during pit stops, or have em be doing edward 40 hands while driving laps. wouldn’t that be exciting?

it's not like you'd run out of willing volunteers. it'd be like recreational Darwinism. I say let em learn about creationism. tell the really gullible ones that they were intelligently designed to drive nascar!

“you like cars? you like beer? you like circles? well then jesus made you perfect for nascar.”

like, i know this would kill a lot of people and tear up tons of cars, but first off, NASCAR fans generally don’t believe in abortion, so you gotta compensate somehow.

and second, the amount of jobs created from building and repairing the cars would lift us clean out of the recession. forget health care, that’s change i can believe in.

you never hear about black nascar drivers. that's cuz they'd all get pulled over.

if they could just have churches at nascar events...

"where'd you get married?"

"jefferson davis memorial speedway"

where was the reception?

"sizzler. we couldn’t spring for applebees this here year”

i'd also watch nascar if they rode on segways. and the great thing about segways is that you don't see em coming or going.

goodnight!

I Like This

As a few of you may have noticed, we live in an age of rapid technological advancement, during which more avenues of entertainment and interaction pop up over a decade than they had during entire generations of the past. Luckily, society has a way of forcing its morals and standards onto new mediums. For example, there are certain faux pas on Facebook that almost go without mentioning. Let's examine one.

The act of "liking" one's own status or comment is recognized as a sure fire mark of an imbecile. When one witnesses someone "liking" his/her own status, it's usually in conjunction with a bursting-with-bull shit post.

It's self evident that this isn't something you do. When one does, one is almost always called out for it. Also, when one does this, others are less inclined to "like" the status/post, regardless of quality. It would be like turning in a assignment that you've already graded for the professor (I've done this as a joke, and was urged not to go into teaching, as I am "wildly too generous of a grader").

Now, since I enjoy challenging social norms on rare occasion, I'm asking the most dangerous question known to man: why?

The way I see it, everything you post on Facebook immediately becomes part of the Public Domain, which is to say that it is out in the open for all to see and judge. In effect, if you post something on Facebook, you are publishing thoughts. 

As an aspiring writer and part time alcoholic (I only work nights and weekends), I take the view that if you're going to publish something, you better enjoy it. You better feel some sort of accomplishment or pride in your material, at least enough to proofread it for typoes. Unless you're posting tragic news (e.i. your sibling just got sodomized by a sea lion) or a request ("can someone drive me to the beach? My brother bet me I couldn't shart on a sea lion"), then most likely your post is expressing an opinion.

If this is the case, then you should like your own opinion. If not, don't share it with the rest of us.

Shaky Logic

As some of us are aware, Japan was hit hard by an earthquake and tsunami, and still has to grapple with a nuclear nuisance. On a side note, for the love of God I hope none of you are just learning this now. If so, kill yourself, preferably by suicide bombing a busload of rapists.

Now, I know some of you are wondering why I'd bring up the Japan situation unless I planned on listing several dozen horrific Japanese jokes. Sad to say, I'm still keeping these on lockdown (supplies!). I got some good advice a few weeks ago that I should wait on jokes like these until there's a definitive body count (and for a people known for their math skills, they sure are taking their time on this).

So what am I writing this for? Because according to geologist Jim Berkland, the West Coast is due for a big one right about…meow. During his interview on Fox News (and they never let just any alarmist on), the man renowned for predicting the 1989 San Francisco earthquake to within four days says that this week, shit could go down, and hard.

As any non-clairvoyant geologist will tell you, it's impossible to predict earthquakes. Their jealousy aside, I tend to agree. Regardless of if you believe everything you hear on Fox News (which you should), the larger truth of the matter is how dangerously unprepared most of us are for a major disaster.

How many of us know basic medical procedures, such as CPR or do it yourself lasik eye surgery? How many of us have a three days supply of food, water, and drugs? How many of us are armed enough to repulse marauding minorities?

In the past week, I've loaded up on supplies like canned food and bottled water. It doesn't cost that much, which is good because my dad works hard for my money. The point is, I'm prepared, and Allah-willing, will survive the first three days of a disaster.

Now we get into the psychology of disaster preparedness. As you all know, I'm a dickhead. This is not news. So, when I've spent my dad's hard earned cash on disaster supplies, and have lugged em all inside the house, part of me really wants to use them. Some have scoffed at my preparedness, and I want them to suffer or at least squirm a little. I want to be justified and vindicated. I want shit to go down, hard.

This brings up a good question: can I bask in schadenfreude even if it hasn't happened yet? The answer is no. Thus, I'm pulling for an 7.0 to shake things up. Nothing too brutal, just enough to make people go a lil ape shit for a few days. 

Does this make me bad? Of course, but there's another reason I'm rooting for a local natural disaster: so I can have the credibility to make distasteful and cruel jokes about mass suffering. Gilbert Gottfried, you've inspired a monster.

A Buzzer Beater for Libya?

I'll start by stating the obvious: that by the time you finish reading, the situation in Libya will have likely changed. Hmm, now if that doesn't induce you to keep reading, I don't know what will!

But there's much the mainstream media (this includes Fox News) isn't saying or talking about. Needless to say, I'm happy to step up.

Let's start off with the basics: after four decades, dictator and notable sunglasses enthusiast Colonel Muammar Gaddafi is under threat of being ousted. Or at least, he was (I'll get to this later).

One tactic not much reported that Gaddafi is using is the hiring of foreign and domestic mercenaries. The dude has a ton of money, and is using it in up front cash and promises of generous payments at the conflict's conclusion. This money is giving Gadaffi the ability to surge across Libya, as well as squash uprisings in the nation's west. The most prominent group of mercenaries are the Tuareg, who are nomads of the Sahara with literally millennia of experience with this sorta thing. Suffice to say, they don't give a fuck, and are willing to do things that Gaddafi's Libyan forces aren't willing to do to their own people.

The foreign enforced No Fly Zone is a new variable that transforms many other variables, chief amongst them are the desertions and recruitment of pro-Gaddafi forces.

Gaddafi, in his deep benevolence towards the plight of the people, has declared a cease fire, hoping to induce the rebels to cease their fire. Only the most gullible would believe his intentions for a second. It would be too complimentary of me to call this a ploy, but it is designed to give Gaddafi time to regroup and reload from his previous assaults. His supply lines are long, and reinforcements from the West are being delayed by sporadic uprisings. Gaddafi's forces are keeping cities such as Misrata and Benghazi under pressure while he redistributes his firepower.

The key question coming after the No Fly zone announcement is this: how far will Coalition forces go in protecting the rebels? The UN resolution itself is uniquely broad in its language, forbidding only land forces from occupying any part of Libya. The resolution allows for any actions that are necessary to protecting civilians. This could include strikes against Gaddafi's land forces, a move that would turn the tide of the rebellion, or if unused, would ensure the defeat of the rebels. This decision, to use airpower against ground units, will determine the fate of the nation more than anything else.

Since the start of the rebellion, huge swaths of the Libyan military have been defecting, and even right now, continue to do so. Libyan forces observed by Western powers have been seen stopping in the deserts and resolving 'internal conflicts' with gunfire. Even within the forces loyal the Gaddafi, there is conflict. What's retaining and recruiting more forces to Gaddafi is money along with the general consensus that he'll win out. Had Western powers acted with strength and punctuality, Gadafi's promises of wealth would have been ineffectual, since getting paid by a dead man requires a ton of paperwork.

I had typed out an elaborate paragraph of monday morning quarterbacking, but decided to sum it up with this: the UN is less clutch than Chris Webber, often wanting to take timeouts during inopportune times. Suffice to say, the UN acted a week too late.

The question is then, why do we care? We care because the region can prosper only through representative-reforms, and if successful, the rebellion will fuel other anti-authoritarian movements.

What will it look like in the eyes of the Iranians when Libya has overthrown it's dictatorship? What will people in China think when they view celebrations in Tripoli? With Saudi Arabians blink when Gaddafi's palace burns? What will the people of Pyongyang think when they-oh, that's right, they haven't discovered television yet. But my point stands, that the 2011 North African revolutions have spread democratic reforms in a way that the Iraq and The War Against Terror have not.

This is where American military power can be maximized. This is where we can use our air force and navy to give antiauthoritarian forces the firepower to overthrow brutal regimes. We won't be landing any troops on the shore of Tripoli, so I think comparisons to Iraq and Afghanistan are a stretch. But if we did, it's important to remember that unlike Iraq, Libya is a relatively homogeneous population;  and unlike Afghanistan, Libya is geographic wet dream. Let me explain.

Libya much easier to control. That's why 5-15% of the population has been able to repress Libya so far, and will continue to do so. Historically, whoever has been able to control the coast has been able to control Libya.

It's understandable, and even a good sign, that people bring up Iraq and Afghanistan. It's important to understand how America overreached there. Afghanistan and Vietnam have demonstrated we are lead history illiterate leaders (both these nations are known as places that Empires go to die). Iraq and Afghanistan showed us that we can't impose democracy in a fractured and psychologically damaged nation.

But Libya is none of these things. Libya is in fact a religious homogenized nation, with 90% of the population being Sunni. Also, Libyans are among the richest in Africa, and boast one of the highest literacy rates on the continent. If there's a place where democratic reforms can take hold and prosper, Libya seems to be it.

If the rebels win out, the question would remain of what would come next. Would the rebels consume themselves in deadly infighting? Would forces loyal to Gaddafi wage a guerrilla war? Would a coalition of Hare KrishnasScientologists paratroop in and conquer the nation? It's hard to say, but let's take some stabs at it.

Allah only knows what the rebels would have come up with in terms of a government, but suffice to say it would be more democratic than it is now. Chief power players in the new order would be the military leaders of the rebellion along with the former high ranking officials from Gaddafi's government. The risk for religious fanaticism is lower than it would be other places, mostly due to the relative prosperity that Libyans enjoy. Nobody with a TV wants to live a 7th century lifestyle, as fanatics would have them do.

But, this is all pissing in the wind, since the rebels won't capture Tripoli, and won't survive until Easter without more direct international assistance. Perhaps prompt air support and logistical support would have extended the revolution long enough for it to achieve victory. On a totally completely unrelated note, I remember another eight year revolution that depended upon foreign involvement. Nine out of ten kegs of gunpowder used by Americans during our spat with England were in fact supplied by France.

If the West wanted to assure the rebels of victory, then we would attack Gaddafi's army units while providing material support to the rebels. If these two steps aren't taken, then expect Gaddafi to be in power for the next decade, before one of his sons takes over the family business.

After the rebels have been squashed in a few weeks, Gadafi’s forces will use terror and death to control and punish the Libyan people. Months of massacres will be newsworthy, but the oil will start flowing again and we will overlook it. Who wants to pay $4 for a gallon of gas anyway?

First Post

Occasionally, when I put clothes in the dryer, I forget to turn it on, then return to the room an hour later. The worst part is seeing myself in the mirror and saying, "I'm not angry, just disappointed."

Welcome to my world. And yes, it's BYOB.