Hmm.... been a while since I last updated. Why? Cuz I've been squirting my creative juices at other targets lately, and this has been lost in the shuffle. One project in particular has been commanding my attention (to the tune of over 6000 words in prewriting notes alone so far). It's sorta become unwieldy, and I have to be careful not to get overwhelmed and have my motivation lost in the sea of potential. Those of you with an above average sense of politics and storytelling will enjoy it.
But enough about my senseless drivel. Below is the set I was to perform last Wednesday, but got shafted in both time allotment and time slot, so instead I went on a rant and ended with Holocaust jokes. That's what happens when I'm put on 22nd out of 23 performers. And at least I didn't have to check my notes between my set ups and punchlines like other performers did.
I don't want to discourage anyone from trying their hand at stand up, but seriously, memorize your set. If you don't, you know what it says to the crowd? "Hey guys, I have some jokes, I hope you like them, I enjoy them myself, but just not enough to memorize them." The exception is for performers who haven't hit the double digit mark for performances yet. But there are regulars at these gigs whose faces you never see cuz they're covered up by sheets of unfunny jokes. I at least give the audience the satisfaction of seeing my disappointed face when a joke fails.
But enough of my senseless diatribes. I'm just bitter cuz I suck.
So, here's the set I intended to perform, more or less word for word. (Note: my original set that I wrote was over 900 words long, but i painfully hacked away at it till it was under 500. Then I got told I'd only have 80% of the time i thought I would, and I don't like being told that, especially four drinks into a night and waiting three hours to get on stage.)
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last thursday was st paddy’s day, and despite being 100% iraqi, i was celebrating. i started it off like anyone else trying to get hammered: i gave blood. save lives and money on drinks!
it sucks this year, cuz both 4.20 and st paddies day fall during lent, so i’ve just decided to give up sacrifice. i’m not sure it’s worth it.
i hate the argument that if you legalize drugs, more people would do them. really? if we follow that logic, what would happen if you legalized suicide?
what would happen if we legalized sex with animals, but only in public? i’ll tell you what’d happen, i wouldn’t have time to come here, too busy elbow deep in bambi.
Isn't it ironical that in America, you can walk around in public with a loaded gun, but you can't have an open beer can? our government says we don’t want to set a bad example for our children, meanwhile we’re in two wars, cutting taxes for the rich and services for the poor, and couldn’t balance the budget if our children’s futures depended upon it. nah, beer in public sends the wrong message.
so i hate nascar, sitting down and turning left for three hours isn't a sport. i realize that in places like mississippi, it holds all the intellectual suspense of jeopardy, but i hate it, can't stand it, couldn't pay me to watch it, i'd rather stare at my own melting schlong... But...
i would watch it, if they drove…have em take jager bombs during pit stops, or have em be doing edward 40 hands while driving laps. wouldn’t that be exciting?
it's not like you'd run out of willing volunteers. it'd be like recreational Darwinism. I say let em learn about creationism. tell the really gullible ones that they were intelligently designed to drive nascar!
“you like cars? you like beer? you like circles? well then jesus made you perfect for nascar.”
like, i know this would kill a lot of people and tear up tons of cars, but first off, NASCAR fans generally don’t believe in abortion, so you gotta compensate somehow.
and second, the amount of jobs created from building and repairing the cars would lift us clean out of the recession. forget health care, that’s change i can believe in.
you never hear about black nascar drivers. that's cuz they'd all get pulled over.
if they could just have churches at nascar events...
"where'd you get married?"
"jefferson davis memorial speedway"
where was the reception?
"sizzler. we couldn’t spring for applebees this here year”
i'd also watch nascar if they rode on segways. and the great thing about segways is that you don't see em coming or going.
goodnight!
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