Shaky Logic

As some of us are aware, Japan was hit hard by an earthquake and tsunami, and still has to grapple with a nuclear nuisance. On a side note, for the love of God I hope none of you are just learning this now. If so, kill yourself, preferably by suicide bombing a busload of rapists.

Now, I know some of you are wondering why I'd bring up the Japan situation unless I planned on listing several dozen horrific Japanese jokes. Sad to say, I'm still keeping these on lockdown (supplies!). I got some good advice a few weeks ago that I should wait on jokes like these until there's a definitive body count (and for a people known for their math skills, they sure are taking their time on this).

So what am I writing this for? Because according to geologist Jim Berkland, the West Coast is due for a big one right about…meow. During his interview on Fox News (and they never let just any alarmist on), the man renowned for predicting the 1989 San Francisco earthquake to within four days says that this week, shit could go down, and hard.

As any non-clairvoyant geologist will tell you, it's impossible to predict earthquakes. Their jealousy aside, I tend to agree. Regardless of if you believe everything you hear on Fox News (which you should), the larger truth of the matter is how dangerously unprepared most of us are for a major disaster.

How many of us know basic medical procedures, such as CPR or do it yourself lasik eye surgery? How many of us have a three days supply of food, water, and drugs? How many of us are armed enough to repulse marauding minorities?

In the past week, I've loaded up on supplies like canned food and bottled water. It doesn't cost that much, which is good because my dad works hard for my money. The point is, I'm prepared, and Allah-willing, will survive the first three days of a disaster.

Now we get into the psychology of disaster preparedness. As you all know, I'm a dickhead. This is not news. So, when I've spent my dad's hard earned cash on disaster supplies, and have lugged em all inside the house, part of me really wants to use them. Some have scoffed at my preparedness, and I want them to suffer or at least squirm a little. I want to be justified and vindicated. I want shit to go down, hard.

This brings up a good question: can I bask in schadenfreude even if it hasn't happened yet? The answer is no. Thus, I'm pulling for an 7.0 to shake things up. Nothing too brutal, just enough to make people go a lil ape shit for a few days. 

Does this make me bad? Of course, but there's another reason I'm rooting for a local natural disaster: so I can have the credibility to make distasteful and cruel jokes about mass suffering. Gilbert Gottfried, you've inspired a monster.