The Martyr of Jefferson Davis Park

Maynard was a simple man: he simply didn’t take bullshit, especially when his nephew was up to bat, and the umpire happened to be blind.

When the ump called that last ball a strike, even the other team’s parents gasped. It ended the game, and Maynard’s nephew stood like his childhood fell in the shitter.

It wasn’t even a choice for Maynard at that point. Now, it would’ve been stupid for Maynard to just charge the ump right after the game, since the ump would still have his mask and body guard on. So Maynard had to be clever and wear a grin on his face and have his hand outstretched as if to shake the bastard’s hand. The ploy worked.

In his statement to the police, Maynard was adamant about one thing: that he’d done it for the kids.

“The kids there, they know right well that fightin exists, that it happens and shouldn’t. But they don’t need knowing about lying and cheatin, especially during a fun game!”

Maynard, who was often described by family and friends as “below the poverty line” when it came to common sense, thought that the police were the thickest people involved, since they refused to see the bigger picture. Maynard kept asking them, “What’s worse to them’s futures? Seeing a scuffle ‘tween adults or losing faith in the very integgerity of lil league? Now if they can’t believe in lil league, ya might as well tell em that dino-sours roamed the earth and that we all evolved from chimps! It’ll ruin em!”

Maynard didn’t consider himself an overly religious man. That being said, Maynard knew he was about to understand full well what it was like for Jesus on the cross, to die for the sins of others or “take one for the team” as his dad always put it. Just because Maynard couldn’t spell martyr didn’t mean he couldn’t be one.

When asked afterwards if he had any regrets, Maynard was firm about not having any. “Even down to my clothes,” he responded, from his jean jacket to his torn jeans. It was a privilege for Maynard to stand up for justice, and to do so in his formal wear, well, that was just icing on the ice cream cake. 

The fight itself (or as Maynard called it, “the physical disagreement”) started when Maynard asked the presiding Umpire if he had eyes in the back of his head. Puzzled, the ump responded in the negative, and asked why he should. Maynard explained that the good Lord gives each man two eyes, and if God didn’t give the ump eyes in the back of his head, then that meant He had cleaned skipped over the ump entirely.

Calling into question the relevance of Maynard’s inquiry, the ump informed Maynard that he didn’t need eyes to spot a dipshit. Maynard interpreted this as intended, and beseeched the ump that if he knew what was good for him, he’d apologize to Maynard’s nephew. After all, Maynard’s nephew was near royalty in the town, what with being the son of the former Miss Teen MILF USA. The umpire’s callous actions were an affront on the crown, and couldn’t be tolerated.

The umpire told Maynard that if Maynard knew what was good for himself, Maynard would cut his “rat tail” so it wouldn’t get caught in the “tilt-a-whirl” at Maynard’s work. Finding this less than helpful advice, Maynard explained his irritation to the ump with his fists. 

Maynard was charged with assault for giving the ump what was colloquially known as a “nigger make over,” leaving the ump with a fat lip and a black eye.