Today we're going on a case study of why I don't have faith in government. If you're under the assumption that government knows its eyebrows from its asshole, you may want to skip this one. Also, if you're paranoid that every link I post will send you hurtling down the dark dimensions of Devin's internet porn, you might as well stop reading. This post will be interactive, but not a pain in the ass.
So I attend PCC. When I tell people this, they usually wince. What's especially cool is that after high school, I started at the regionally respected University of Nebraska. Realizing the weather is shittier than the weed, I left for Corvallis. Discovering I hate school, I tried dropping out, but since I'm such a fuck up, I failed even at that and wound up at PCC. At this rate, I expect to be on a play-doh diet in preschool in no time (if I pass the entrance exams. I will probably cheat, since I'm way too old to blow the instructor).
My lofty ambitions aside, I go to PCC Sylvania, which is a three minute drive from my house. During the first two weeks of a term, parking at PCC is like a shopping mall before Christmas, but without the warm holiday spirit. It takes me twice as long to find a parking spot than to drive to campus. Indeed, the surest way to find a parking spot is to tail some student, which creeps the Christ out of them (imagine a dude with large red hair and no shirt in a silver Ford Focus following you).
Needless to say, this is a bigger pain in the ass than a prisoner’s sex life. What’s a Reddish American to do? Carpool? Hell no, that’s socialism.
This brings me to what I have dubbed the Cervantes Secret. As those of you intrepid enough to click my links will notice, Cervantes is a road that runs adjacent (but does not connect) to PCC Sylvania. It's a light traffic street, off a minor artery, and is a full four minute drive from campus. During school days, it has maybe a dozen cars parked along its 500 yard stretch. Think about that. I'm including both sides of the street. If you don’t believe me, view it at the street level. As luck would have it, I was on a jog when I discovered that Cervantes is linked to PCC via a short path.
It didn’t take a high school diploma for me to figure out my next move. Starting this term, I’ve parked on Cervantes twice a week for my class at 11am, which is when a vacant parking spot is rarer than a case of bulimia in sub-Saharan Africa (too soon?). I'm happy that I’m able to free up a spot for someone living in like Newberg or North Portland, who has no idea of the Cervantes Secret. It should be noted that this is the closest I’ll ever get to charity. But it’s somewhat self serving, since the walk from Cervantes is quicker than walking to class from whatever hinterland on-campus spot I’d cut someone off to park in. The system might not work.
(This wouldn't be an issue had the Stimulus Bill been spent on more than horseshit, and the Feds had ponied up to improve the infrastructure of a community college whose enrollment increases ~15% each year. Alas, the fuckers couldn't be arsed to put up a parking garage. That's status quo I can believe in. Meanwhile Sam Adams is opening up bike lanes while closing schools. As much shit as I give Republicans, Democrats are beyond hopeless.)
Despite my charitable intentions, no good deed goes unpunished. In the past two weeks, I’ve received two warnings for parking on Cervantes. Who issued them? The relentless and indefatigable PCC Parking Patrol. Why? Because Cervantes falls into a blanket area that PCC students are prohibited from parking in. This no park zone ends, thankfully, a few hundred feet from my residence. Needless to say, I could have been in quite the pickle had my parents decided on a house in an adjacent cul de sac. I pity the poor piss ant who parks on the wrong side of his street and finds a $50 ticket in his mail box.
I got the warnings by being betrayed by my PCC parking pass, also known as "that $40 piece of useless fucking paper." But perhaps this is why they warned me, and haven’t sent me a ticket (yet). They might figure that I am parking on Cervantes out of necessity and not pleasure. Upon noticing my parked car, they might see my ornamental blue parking pass and, after hours of tense problem solving, arrive at the conclusion that nobody would spend $40 just to park off campus.
But even if the Cervantes Secret becomes common knowledge, there's no way someone from Newberg is gonna park on Cervantes as a first choice. This will only happen out of desperation, since Cervantes is not a street that's readily accessible from major traffic arteries. Speaking from an economics/Sim City background, the logistics simply don't support the phantom fear of congestion on Cervantes.
I understand that some nearby neighborhoods get overrun, leaving residents no place to park. That frustration is justified, unlike over reaction. Cervantes is a broad boulevard. Are the inhabitants simply sickened by the copious cornucopia of crappy community college cars? Was the land value adversely affected by Sylvania's sulking, spiritless students? Alas, we’ll never know, since I forgot to sign my name on my angry letter/brick that I “dropped off” through the window of PCC’s public safety office.
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