Abandon Ship!

Good happening.

As some of you know and many of you don’t care, there will be a roast of Devin Monaghan (!) Monday, December 17th, 2012 at the Red Room. First let me say that the Red Room is my favorite place to perform comedy in Portland, and I’m thrilled they’re hosting a roast for me.

But why roast me? We all know there’s limitless material on how deplorable I am, but why bother? What have I done to deserve such special attention? Well, in this case, it’s not what I’ve done as much as what I’m doing.

In January, I’ll be moving to Vietnam to teach English. You’re welcome. 

This may shock some, but remember that it’s always been my dream to talk for a living. Indeed, the Vietnamese are desperate for native English speakers to teach how to speak English without an accent, and somehow Americans qualify as native English speakers. I’ll be teaching advanced students only, so I won’t need to know any Vietnamese in order to convert them away from their heathen gibberish.

Before I continue, I’d like to urge all my atheist friends to convert to Christianity. No? That didn’t work? Well God, I tried.

A little education is in order. Vietnam is considered part of the “developing world” because unlike the US, Vietnam is still developing. I’ll live in Saigon, a city of nine million people and the commercial capital of Vietnam, where so many parents want their children to learn English that language schools of every repute dot the city, many of which will accept walk-in native English speakers to teach. Enter the Devin. Further, the pay for such jobs combined with the low cost of living means that this move will be financially sustainable, unlike my medium-term future here in the US.

But I’m as much moving to Vietnam as I am leaving America. The question isn’t why should I leave, but why would I stay? I’m a community college dropout trying to make it as a stand-up comedian. What odds would you give me? One-out-of-never? Plus, if I got a “real” job here, I’d be taking it away from someone who needs it more than me, and I’d still be making less money than I would in Vietnam. I could go back to school, but I loathe college, and completing my degree would just give me a diploma to stare at while I’m unemployed or underpaid.

And let’s face it, a college degree won’t fix what’s wrong with me. I have room to grow, and that won’t come in a classroom. Living abroad in a developing country will push me past my limited experiences, and might even cure some of my pompous narcism. At the very least, I’ll stop taking what I have for granted once I see so many who have so little.

So there it is: I’m getting roasted because I’m leaving, and many fine comics want to get their shots in before I’m out of range. I know many of you will miss me, but worry not! Thanks to Facebook, most of you reading this will hardly notice my absence, since our relationship won’t change in the slightest.

I’m not sure how long this adventure will last, but rest assured I won’t be able to stay away from stand-up comedy forever. And when I come back, I’ll have a treasure trove of material and hopefully an Asian accent: simply put, I’ll be unstoppable, like Shaq if he could shoot three pointers and free throws.

Besides my family, I’ll miss stand-up comedy the most. When I started performing in earnest, I was angry and scared. I took the stage barely three months after my Mom transitioned to whatever’s next. Ever since then, stand-up comedy has transformed me in ways that I couldn’t predict and still have trouble understanding. Besides changing the way I write, comedy has blessed me with a formula to turn piss into wine. When something bad happens to me, I’m giddy with excitement to make others laugh about it. Comedy didn’t save my life, it just gave me direction.

I’ll miss Portland Comedy more than Portland Comedy will miss me, and it frustrates me that I’m leaving just when I feel our scene capitalizing on incredible momentum. I look forward to not recognizing Portland Comedy when I return, and I doubly look forward to Portland Comedy not recognizing me upon my return.

That’s why it is an undue privilege for me to be sent out by the jokes of other comedians. I hope everyone reading this can make it to my roast, and those who show up will be remembered and held in my heart forever.

In closing, I love you all so much, and you each have more potential than you can possibly understand. Now please send me your money.

Hark! (Published 9-23-10 by the Lake Oswego Review)

Currently, the state of Oregon is facing a massive budget shortfall the likes of which we have not seen for a few years and aren’t likely to see again for a couple more. But between all the moaning and groaning, our leaders have failed to see this problem for what is really is: An opportunity in disguise.

Before any discussion of meaningful solutions can occur, however, we must first recognize the root cause of our current budgetary boondoggle: The casual arrogance of Oregon children to assume that they are entitled to a comprehensive education.

Our antiquated educational system takes an asset such as an energetic, enthusiastic and (most importantly) affordable labor force and turns it into a demographic that is almost entirely reliant upon the government. Is there any wonder that more is being spent to achieve less? What is needed is not additional resources, but a Renaissance of reform and restructuring.

Luckily, by providence or accident, I have been educated enough to proffer up a few pointers.

My first recommendation is obvious: Do away with recess and replace it with telemarketing. Students will learn valuable skills regarding rejection, salesmanship, and the cruelty of their fellow man. This will kill two birds with one stone: Building valuable experience for the workplace and raising money to pay for their free education.

My second suggestion is to replace physical education with physical labor. For instance, students could plant forests that would be clear cut in the future, perhaps by the same hands that planted them! Children will be getting much needed physical activity, while decreasing their already considerable carbon footprint. In addition, we can reduce electricity expenditures by focusing on cardiovascular health via exercise bikes hooked up to electric generators. Why let kinetic energy go to waste?

Furthermore, since almost all students are already fluent in the language, we can replace unnecessary English classes with more forward-thinking Chinese classes, seeing as future employers will be concerned more with a student’s understanding of Mandarin than Macbeth.

Next, we should take a proactive and preemptive approach towards the teaching of history. For example, in social studies classes, the curriculum should focus on American economic superiority, as that will soon be history.

We must also recognize that in our culture, there have been a number of changes that our education system has failed to recognize and have resulted in certain classes becoming obsolete. Music is more accessible than ever, with students listening to it before, after, and often during classes. To spend precious money on courses devoted to music seems like a luxury we need just as much as we can afford. Likewise, classes focusing on sex education have been made supremely superfluous, thanks in large part to Hollywood. Never let it be said that the private sector can’t perform valuable services better than the state.

With these simple solutions, the state can not only save money on classes, but actually earn money through classes! But be forewarned: opposition to these progressive and profitable proposals is further evidence of our failing educational system.

Generation Indentured (Published 4-14-10 by The Oregonian)

Thomas Jefferson had it right when he said, "Every generation needs a new revolution." If steps aren't taken soon, the Baby Boomers will turn our nation's youth into a generation of indentured servants. 

In regard to cross-generational government debt, Jefferson wrote: "We seem not to have perceived that, by the law of nature, one generation is to another as one independent nation to another." 

Oh boy, would he be irked. For the sake of brevity, let's run down a few facts from the Congressional Budget Office: 


 This year, the federal government spent $1.67 for every dollar it collected. 


 Current CBO projections have the debt growing at a faster pace than the economy for at least the next decade. 


 By 2020, yearly interest payments on the debt alone will cost America $900 billion. 


One CBO estimate pegs the debt to become 200 percent of America's GDP by 2035. 


U.S. debt is at $12.6 trillion, with $107 trillion in unfunded future liabilities. 

That last point regarding the unfunded liabilities is the most striking. These include future obligations to entitlement programs. Who will pay for all of this? The Baby Boomers will to a certain extent, but as they retire, they will leave behind a mountain of debt and an uphill fiscal and economic battle for future generations. 

If the rallying cry for our nation's revolution was "No taxation without representation," why do we allow children to inherit government debt? How can we ask future generations to make sacrifices that we ourselves are not willing to bear? 

I believe morality to span religion, culture, society and, yes, generation. One wonders if the budget deficit is also a values deficit. Do we hold present times on a pedestal of egocentric importance, casting the future into the gutter of insignificance? 

It's easy to blame politicians for appealing to our instinctual focus on the near term, or the television media for obsessing on the present in order to garner higher ratings. 

But in the end, those who are accountable are the ones who have let themselves be led by the nose, and have done so for decades. The Baby Boomers have acquiesced to a fiscal policy of "wait and see what happens." It's not a Republican or Democratic thing. Both parties have painted themselves as responsible but have shown no regard for the financial well-being of future Americans. 

Now, if I seem too harsh on Baby Boomers for pillaging my generation's future, I'd be more than happy to write a piece criticizing my own generation. I fear, however, that all the newspapers in the country combined lack the logistical resources to publish such a lengthy critique. 

The Black Hole of Black Ops (Published 7-10-11 In The Oregonian)

With the Supreme Court striking down a California law prohibiting the sale of mature video games to people younger than 18, controversy has again been aimed at video game violence and its impact on youth. But those decrying violent shooter games are off target with their concern. Video games haven't turned our nation's youth into serial killers. Rather, video games have transformed much of our nation's youth into zombies. 

One example of electronic obsession is "Call Of Duty: Black Ops," a game played mostly by 18- to 24-year-olds, an age group I belong to and look forward to exiting. According to Activision (the game's publisher), "Black Ops" earned $360 million on the first day of its release, and it took less than a month and a half for sales to hit the $1 billion mark. Within that month and a half, nearly 70,000 man-years of time, or 600 million man-hours, had been spent playing "Black Ops" online. It's been nearly eight months since "Black Ops" was released. 

This is time spent playing just one game, let alone "World of Warcraft," or games on hand-held devices. What begins as a youthful hobby (remember Pokémon?) develops into full-blown addiction. Much like delayed contact with drugs lessens the likelihood of addiction, early exposure to video games assures a lifetime of screen time. 

One secret to the success of these games is that they use a system of leveling up through the garnering of experience points. If you play the game long and well enough, you'll receive in-game attribute increases that give you advantages over other players. Sadly, self-betterment to my generation seems to be quantified in all the wrong ways. 

Mine is a generation that levels up in video games but stagnates in real life. While competing in virtual worlds, they become less competitive in the workforce. Many say our schools fail to prepare children for the reality of a global economy. But what can a teacher do when students spend more time with game controllers in their hands than they do with books? 

My analysis of video games could be questioned for being light on statistical studies, but rest assured, I have the grades to prove the damage done. I admit, however, that I am simply an observer among my generation, and I will leave the quantitative analysis to brighter, less distracted minds. But after more than 15 years in the education system, it's my hope that my elders might hear my words free of prejudice. 

History has taught that change must come from personal choice, not government directive. Let's acknowledge that parents are enablers, since many make the counterintuitive decision to reward academic performance with devices that hinder it. This is like rewarding good health with junk food. Too often as a society, we focus on knee-jerk reactions and sweeping changes, but forget that the big picture is composed of individuals, and thus, social progress originates from parents, not Big Brother or Uncle Sam. After all, who holds the purse strings? 


Devin Monaghan is a recovering video game addict and a standup comedian. He lives in Lake Oswego. 

An Uplifting Story For People Who Hate People

as a telemarketer, you talk to some interesting people. one time i talked to this guy who was hella bummed on life (i'm not a doctor, but i think it qualified as severe depression). after 5 minutes of leading me on, i finally did a hard sell move on him and he said he didn't want to buy but if i hung up he'd kill himself. i then gently informed him that company policy states that if he didn't buy our product, he'd be dead to me anyway.

the guy sounded fat, and i knew this cuz after talking to hundreds of people a day on the phone, you notice when 2 minutes into a conversation someone starts breathing heavy, and they ask you to call em back so they can catch their breath. this dude was heaving up a storm, so i ask him if he's fat, and he says he's "mildly overweight," to which i respond "just mildly overweight? fat chance fat ass, why don't you do me a favor and either buy my product or lower your community's carbon footprint by killing yourself. just make sure you don't do it by slitting your wrists, your arteries are so clogged it may take a month for you to bleed out. now i'll give you one more chance you lethargic loser, do you want to buy our self help book or not? no? wouldn't have helped anyway, enjoy the afterlife, here's hoping you slim down so you can fit through the gates of hell!"

i was let go two days later.

Behold, the Power of Silence

As many of you know, this Friday is the national Day of Silence, in honor of all who lack the courage to come out of the closet, cuz in case you don't know, now is worse than ever for gays and lesbians. In response to this sort of discrimination, on April 15th, gays and their heterosexual allies must be silent all day.

Not gonna lie, I'm stoked. If you're the type of person who'll participate in this vow of silence, chances are, your classmates will hail it as a holiday.

Let's be real, if the Silent Minority walked into class and started yelling at the top of their lungs, it'd increase awareness substantially more than silence. Also, it'd attract more participation. If there was a day of yelling, I'd plunge in, no matter the cause. How often do you get to scream in class? What a feeling.

But no, verbalizing distress is taboo on this day. So what if this Day of Silence finally takes off? Will they expand it? Maybe to a Week of Silence? Maybe the Month of Silence? Onward, ho!

If they really wanted to get gay marriage laws passed, they'd join with Republicans and find ways to disenfranchise African American voters.

I'm not trying to downplay the horrors of being gay in America in the 21st century, but how often are gays denied business loans cuz of their sexuality? When was the last time gays were called terrorists for their belief systems? Do gays get pulled over at higher rates than straights? Are gays more likely to go to prison than college? Do gays get paid significantly less for the same labor as straights?

I'm not arguing on behalf of the status quo, and as a Libertarian, I believe government should have no involvement in marriage. I'm privileged to have grown up in a community where those who persecuted gays were themselves ostracized. Perhaps I'm spoiled. I believe any discrimination based upon arbitrary factors such as gender, race, religion, age, and sexuality to be abhorrent.

But when some gays try to relate their battle for marriage to the Civil Rights movement, I get irked. It shows either the sort of massive self importance that only I can identify with, or a complete disregard for history. It's like Tea Party members thinking they're on level with the American Revolutionaries. It's silly at best, depressingly stupid at worst.

What I'm concerned about are the naturally shy students. You know, those that just wanna keep to themselves, don't want any trouble or real interaction for that matter. Will these introverted intellectuals feel the need to pipe up for their sexuality? Or for once, will their silence be taken as participation? And if one such boy sneezes out a sentence in class, will he be mocked as only speaking to pretend he's not gay?

Alas, the unintended consequences of silence. Maybe they can bury their heads in the sand in protest as well, since that's changed the status quo as often as silence has. What a joke.

The Martyr of Jefferson Davis Park

Maynard was a simple man: he simply didn’t take bullshit, especially when his nephew was up to bat, and the umpire happened to be blind.

When the ump called that last ball a strike, even the other team’s parents gasped. It ended the game, and Maynard’s nephew stood like his childhood fell in the shitter.

It wasn’t even a choice for Maynard at that point. Now, it would’ve been stupid for Maynard to just charge the ump right after the game, since the ump would still have his mask and body guard on. So Maynard had to be clever and wear a grin on his face and have his hand outstretched as if to shake the bastard’s hand. The ploy worked.

In his statement to the police, Maynard was adamant about one thing: that he’d done it for the kids.

“The kids there, they know right well that fightin exists, that it happens and shouldn’t. But they don’t need knowing about lying and cheatin, especially during a fun game!”

Maynard, who was often described by family and friends as “below the poverty line” when it came to common sense, thought that the police were the thickest people involved, since they refused to see the bigger picture. Maynard kept asking them, “What’s worse to them’s futures? Seeing a scuffle ‘tween adults or losing faith in the very integgerity of lil league? Now if they can’t believe in lil league, ya might as well tell em that dino-sours roamed the earth and that we all evolved from chimps! It’ll ruin em!”

Maynard didn’t consider himself an overly religious man. That being said, Maynard knew he was about to understand full well what it was like for Jesus on the cross, to die for the sins of others or “take one for the team” as his dad always put it. Just because Maynard couldn’t spell martyr didn’t mean he couldn’t be one.

When asked afterwards if he had any regrets, Maynard was firm about not having any. “Even down to my clothes,” he responded, from his jean jacket to his torn jeans. It was a privilege for Maynard to stand up for justice, and to do so in his formal wear, well, that was just icing on the ice cream cake. 

The fight itself (or as Maynard called it, “the physical disagreement”) started when Maynard asked the presiding Umpire if he had eyes in the back of his head. Puzzled, the ump responded in the negative, and asked why he should. Maynard explained that the good Lord gives each man two eyes, and if God didn’t give the ump eyes in the back of his head, then that meant He had cleaned skipped over the ump entirely.

Calling into question the relevance of Maynard’s inquiry, the ump informed Maynard that he didn’t need eyes to spot a dipshit. Maynard interpreted this as intended, and beseeched the ump that if he knew what was good for him, he’d apologize to Maynard’s nephew. After all, Maynard’s nephew was near royalty in the town, what with being the son of the former Miss Teen MILF USA. The umpire’s callous actions were an affront on the crown, and couldn’t be tolerated.

The umpire told Maynard that if Maynard knew what was good for himself, Maynard would cut his “rat tail” so it wouldn’t get caught in the “tilt-a-whirl” at Maynard’s work. Finding this less than helpful advice, Maynard explained his irritation to the ump with his fists. 

Maynard was charged with assault for giving the ump what was colloquially known as a “nigger make over,” leaving the ump with a fat lip and a black eye.