Friday, June 3, 2011

An Uplifting Story For People Who Hate People

as a telemarketer, you talk to some interesting people. one time i talked to this guy who was hella bummed on life (i'm not a doctor, but i think it qualified as severe depression). after 5 minutes of leading me on, i finally did a hard sell move on him and he said he didn't want to buy but if i hung up he'd kill himself. i then gently informed him that company policy states that if he didn't buy our product, he'd be dead to me anyway.
the guy sounded fat, and i knew this cuz after talking to hundreds of people a day on the phone, you notice when 2 minutes into a conversation someone starts breathing heavy, and they ask you to call em back so they can catch their breath. this dude was heaving up a storm, so i ask him if he's fat, and he says he's "mildly overweight," to which i respond "just mildly overweight? fat chance fat ass, why don't you do me a favor and either buy my product or lower your community's carbon footprint by killing yourself. just make sure you don't do it by slitting your wrists, your arteries are so clogged it may take a month for you to bleed out. now i'll give you one more chance you lethargic loser, do you want to buy our self help book or not? no? wouldn't have helped anyway, enjoy the afterlife, here's hoping you slim down so you can fit through the gates of hell!"
i was let go two days later.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Behold, the Power of Silence

As many of you know, this Friday is the national Day of Silence, in honor of all who lack the courage to come out of the closet, cuz in case you don't know, now is worse than ever for gays and lesbians. In response to this sort of discrimination, on April 15th, gays and their heterosexual allies must be silent all day.

Not gonna lie, I'm stoked. If you're the type of person who'll participate in this vow of silence, chances are, your classmates will hail it as a holiday.

Let's be real, if the Silent Minority walked into class and started yelling at the top of their lungs, it'd increase awareness substantially more than silence. Also, it'd attract more participation. If there was a day of yelling, I'd plunge in, no matter the cause. How often do you get to scream in class? What a feeling.

But no, verbalizing distress is taboo on this day. So what if this Day of Silence finally takes off? Will they expand it? Maybe to a Week of Silence? Maybe the Month of Silence? Onward, ho!

If they really wanted to get gay marriage laws passed, they'd join with Republicans and find ways to disenfranchise African American voters.

I'm not trying to downplay the horrors of being gay in America in the 21st century, but how often are gays denied business loans cuz of their sexuality? When was the last time gays were called terrorists for their belief systems? Do gays get pulled over at higher rates than straights? Are gays more likely to go to prison than college? Do gays get paid significantly less for the same labor as straights?

I'm not arguing on behalf of the status quo, and as a Libertarian, I believe government should have no involvement in marriage. I'm privileged to have grown up in a community where those who persecuted gays were themselves ostracized. Perhaps I'm spoiled. I believe any discrimination based upon arbitrary factors such as gender, race, religion, age, and sexuality to be abhorrent.

But when some gays try to relate their battle for marriage to the Civil Rights movement, I get irked. It shows either the sort of massive self importance that only I can identify with, or a complete disregard for history. It's like Tea Party members thinking they're on level with the American Revolutionaries. It's silly at best, depressingly stupid at worst.

What I'm concerned about are the naturally shy students. You know, those that just wanna keep to themselves, don't want any trouble or real interaction for that matter. Will these introverted intellectuals feel the need to pipe up for their sexuality? Or for once, will their silence be taken as participation? And if one such boy sneezes out a sentence in class, will he be mocked as only speaking to pretend he's not gay?

Alas, the unintended consequences of silence. Maybe they can bury their heads in the sand in protest as well, since that's changed the status quo as often as silence has. What a joke.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Martyr of Jefferson Davis Park

Maynard was a simple man: he simply didn’t take bullshit, especially when his nephew was up to bat, and the umpire happened to be blind.

When the ump called that last ball a strike, even the other team’s parents gasped. It ended the game, and Maynard’s nephew stood like his childhood fell in the shitter.

It wasn’t even a choice for Maynard at that point. Now, it would’ve been stupid for Maynard to just charge the ump right after the game, since the ump would still have his mask and body guard on. So Maynard had to be clever and wear a grin on his face and have his hand outstretched as if to shake the bastard’s hand. The ploy worked.

In his statement to the police, Maynard was adamant about one thing: that he’d done it for the kids.

“The kids there, they know right well that fightin exists, that it happens and shouldn’t. But they don’t need knowing about lying and cheatin, especially during a fun game!”

Maynard, who was often described by family and friends as “below the poverty line” when it came to common sense, thought that the police were the thickest people involved, since they refused to see the bigger picture. Maynard kept asking them, “What’s worse to them’s futures? Seeing a scuffle ‘tween adults or losing faith in the very integgerity of lil league? Now if they can’t believe in lil league, ya might as well tell em that dino-sours roamed the earth and that we all evolved from chimps! It’ll ruin em!”

Maynard didn’t consider himself an overly religious man. That being said, Maynard knew he was about to understand full well what it was like for Jesus on the cross, to die for the sins of others or “take one for the team” as his dad always put it. Just because Maynard couldn’t spell martyr didn’t mean he couldn’t be one.

When asked afterwards if he had any regrets, Maynard was firm about not having any. “Even down to my clothes,” he responded, from his jean jacket to his torn jeans. It was a privilege for Maynard to stand up for justice, and to do so in his formal wear, well, that was just icing on the ice cream cake. 

The fight itself (or as Maynard called it, “the physical disagreement”) started when Maynard asked the presiding Umpire if he had eyes in the back of his head. Puzzled, the ump responded in the negative, and asked why he should. Maynard explained that the good Lord gives each man two eyes, and if God didn’t give the ump eyes in the back of his head, then that meant He had cleaned skipped over the ump entirely.

Calling into question the relevance of Maynard’s inquiry, the ump informed Maynard that he didn’t need eyes to spot a dipshit. Maynard interpreted this as intended, and beseeched the ump that if he knew what was good for him, he’d apologize to Maynard’s nephew. After all, Maynard’s nephew was near royalty in the town, what with being the son of the former Miss Teen MILF USA. The umpire’s callous actions were an affront on the crown, and couldn’t be tolerated.

The umpire told Maynard that if Maynard knew what was good for himself, Maynard would cut his “rat tail” so it wouldn’t get caught in the “tilt-a-whirl” at Maynard’s work. Finding this less than helpful advice, Maynard explained his irritation to the ump with his fists. 

Maynard was charged with assault for giving the ump what was colloquially known as a “nigger make over,” leaving the ump with a fat lip and a black eye.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Piss and Vinegar

Today we're going on a case study of why I don't have faith in government. If you're under the assumption that government knows its eyebrows from its asshole, you may want to skip this one. Also, if you're paranoid that every link I post will send you hurtling down the dark dimensions of Devin's internet porn, you might as well stop reading. This post will be interactive, but not a pain in the ass.

So I attend PCC. When I tell people this, they usually wince. What's especially cool is that after high school, I started at the regionally respected University of Nebraska. Realizing the weather is shittier than the weed, I left for Corvallis. Discovering I hate school, I tried dropping out, but since I'm such a fuck up, I failed even at that and wound up at PCC. At this rate, I expect to be on a play-doh diet in preschool in no time (if I pass the entrance exams. I will probably cheat, since I'm way too old to blow the instructor).

My lofty ambitions aside, I go to PCC Sylvania, which is a three minute drive from my house. During the first two weeks of a term, parking at PCC is like a shopping mall before Christmas, but without the warm holiday spirit. It takes me twice as long to find a parking spot than to drive to campus. Indeed, the surest way to find a parking spot is to tail some student, which creeps the Christ out of them (imagine a dude with large red hair and no shirt in a silver Ford Focus following you).

Needless to say, this is a bigger pain in the ass than a prisoner’s sex life. What’s a Reddish American to do? Carpool? Hell no, that’s socialism.

This brings me to what I have dubbed the Cervantes Secret. As those of you intrepid enough to click my links will notice, Cervantes is a road that runs adjacent (but does not connect) to PCC Sylvania. It's a light traffic street, off a minor artery, and is a full four minute drive from campus. During school days, it has maybe a dozen cars parked along its 500 yard stretch. Think about that. I'm including both sides of the street. If you don’t believe me, view it at the street level. As luck would have it, I was on a jog when I discovered that Cervantes is linked to PCC via a short path.

It didn’t take a high school diploma for me to figure out my next move. Starting this term, I’ve parked on Cervantes twice a week for my class at 11am, which is when a vacant parking spot is rarer than a case of bulimia in sub-Saharan Africa (too soon?). I'm happy that I’m able to free up a spot for someone living in like Newberg or North Portland, who has no idea of the Cervantes Secret. It should be noted that this is the closest I’ll ever get to charity. But it’s somewhat self serving, since the walk from Cervantes is quicker than walking to class from whatever hinterland on-campus spot I’d cut someone off to park in. The system might not work.

(This wouldn't be an issue had the Stimulus Bill been spent on more than horseshit, and the Feds had ponied up to improve the infrastructure of a community college whose enrollment increases ~15% each year. Alas, the fuckers couldn't be arsed to put up a parking garage. That's status quo I can believe in. Meanwhile Sam Adams is opening up bike lanes while closing schools. As much shit as I give Republicans, Democrats are beyond hopeless.)

Despite my charitable intentions, no good deed goes unpunished. In the past two weeks, I’ve received two warnings for parking on Cervantes. Who issued them? The relentless and indefatigable PCC Parking Patrol. Why? Because Cervantes falls into a blanket area that PCC students are prohibited from parking in. This no park zone ends, thankfully, a few hundred feet from my residence. Needless to say, I could have been in quite the pickle had my parents decided on a house in an adjacent cul de sac. I pity the poor piss ant who parks on the wrong side of his street and finds a $50 ticket in his mail box.

I got the warnings by being betrayed by my PCC parking pass, also known as "that $40 piece of useless fucking paper." But perhaps this is why they warned me, and haven’t sent me a ticket (yet). They might figure that I am parking on Cervantes out of necessity and not pleasure. Upon noticing my parked car, they might see my ornamental blue parking pass and, after hours of tense problem solving, arrive at the conclusion that nobody would spend $40 just to park off campus.

But even if the Cervantes Secret becomes common knowledge, there's no way someone from Newberg is gonna park on Cervantes as a first choice. This will only happen out of desperation, since Cervantes is not a street that's readily accessible from major traffic arteries. Speaking from an economics/Sim City background, the logistics simply don't support the phantom fear of congestion on Cervantes.

I understand that some nearby neighborhoods get overrun, leaving residents no place to park. That frustration is justified, unlike over reaction. Cervantes is a broad boulevard. Are the inhabitants simply sickened by the copious cornucopia of crappy community college cars? Was the land value adversely affected by Sylvania's sulking, spiritless students? Alas, we’ll never know, since I forgot to sign my name on my angry letter/brick that I “dropped off” through the window of PCC’s public safety office.

Monday, March 28, 2011

My Set and Other Ancillary Anecdotes

Hmm.... been a while since I last updated. Why? Cuz I've been squirting my creative juices at other targets lately, and this has been lost in the shuffle. One project in particular has been commanding my attention (to the tune of over 6000 words in prewriting notes alone so far). It's sorta become unwieldy, and I have to be careful not to get overwhelmed and have my motivation lost in the sea of potential. Those of you with an above average sense of politics and storytelling will enjoy it.

But enough about my senseless drivel. Below is the set I was to perform last Wednesday, but got shafted in both time allotment and time slot, so instead I went on a rant and ended with Holocaust jokes. That's what happens when I'm put on 22nd out of 23 performers. And at least I didn't have to check my notes between my set ups and punchlines like other performers did. 

I don't want to discourage anyone from trying their hand at stand up, but seriously, memorize your set. If you don't, you know what it says to the crowd? "Hey guys, I have some jokes, I hope you like them, I enjoy them myself, but just not enough to memorize them." The exception is for performers who haven't hit the double digit mark for performances yet. But there are regulars at these gigs whose faces you never see cuz they're covered up by sheets of unfunny jokes. I at least give the audience the satisfaction of seeing my disappointed face when a joke fails.

But enough of my senseless diatribes. I'm just bitter cuz I suck.

So, here's the set I intended to perform, more or less word for word. (Note: my original set that I wrote was over 900 words long, but i painfully hacked away at it till it was under 500. Then I got told I'd only have 80% of the time i thought I would, and I don't like being told that, especially four drinks into a night and waiting three hours to get on stage.)


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last thursday was st paddy’s day, and despite being 100% iraqi, i was celebrating. i started it off like anyone else trying to get hammered: i gave blood. save lives and money on drinks!
it sucks this year, cuz both 4.20 and st paddies day fall during lent, so i’ve just decided to give up sacrifice. i’m not sure it’s worth it.
i hate the argument that if you legalize drugs, more people would do them. really? if we follow that logic, what would happen if you legalized suicide?
what would happen if we legalized sex with animals, but only in public? i’ll tell you what’d happen, i wouldn’t have time to come here, too busy elbow deep in bambi.
Isn't it ironical that in America, you can walk around in public with a loaded gun, but you can't have an open beer can? our government says we don’t want to set a bad example for our children, meanwhile we’re in two wars, cutting taxes for the rich and services for the poor, and couldn’t balance the budget if our children’s futures depended upon it. nah, beer in public sends the wrong message. 
so i hate nascar, sitting down and turning left for three hours isn't a sport. i realize that in places like mississippi, it holds all the intellectual suspense of jeopardy, but i hate it, can't stand it, couldn't pay me to watch it, i'd rather stare at my own melting schlong... But...
i would watch it, if they drove…have em take jager bombs during pit stops, or have em be doing edward 40 hands while driving laps. wouldn’t that be exciting?
it's not like you'd run out of willing volunteers. it'd be like recreational Darwinism. I say let em learn about creationism. tell the really gullible ones that they were intelligently designed to drive nascar!
“you like cars? you like beer? you like circles? well then jesus made you perfect for nascar.”
like, i know this would kill a lot of people and tear up tons of cars, but first off, NASCAR fans generally don’t believe in abortion, so you gotta compensate somehow.
and second, the amount of jobs created from building and repairing the cars would lift us clean out of the recession. forget health care, that’s change i can believe in.
you never hear about black nascar drivers. that's cuz they'd all get pulled over.
if they could just have churches at nascar events...
"where'd you get married?"
"jefferson davis memorial speedway"
where was the reception?
"sizzler. we couldn’t spring for applebees this here year”
i'd also watch nascar if they rode on segways. and the great thing about segways is that you don't see em coming or going.
goodnight!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I Like This

As a few of you may have noticed, we live in an age of rapid technological advancement, during which more avenues of entertainment and interaction pop up over a decade than they had during entire generations of the past. Luckily, society has a way of forcing its morals and standards onto new mediums. For example, there are certain faux pas on Facebook that almost go without mentioning. Let's examine one.

The act of "liking" one's own status or comment is recognized as a sure fire mark of an imbecile. When one witnesses someone "liking" his/her own status, it's usually in conjunction with a bursting-with-bull shit post.

It's self evident that this isn't something you do. When one does, one is almost always called out for it. Also, when one does this, others are less inclined to "like" the status/post, regardless of quality. It would be like turning in a assignment that you've already graded for the professor (I've done this as a joke, and was urged not to go into teaching, as I am "wildly too generous of a grader").

Now, since I enjoy challenging social norms on rare occasion, I'm asking the most dangerous question known to man: why?

The way I see it, everything you post on Facebook immediately becomes part of the Public Domain, which is to say that it is out in the open for all to see and judge. In effect, if you post something on Facebook, you are publishing thoughts. 

As an aspiring writer and part time alcoholic (I only work nights and weekends), I take the view that if you're going to publish something, you better enjoy it. You better feel some sort of accomplishment or pride in your material, at least enough to proofread it for typoes. Unless you're posting tragic news (e.i. your sibling just got sodomized by a sea lion) or a request ("can someone drive me to the beach? My brother bet me I couldn't shart on a sea lion"), then most likely your post is expressing an opinion.

If this is the case, then you should like your own opinion. If not, don't share it with the rest of us.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Shaky Logic

As some of us are aware, Japan was hit hard by an earthquake and tsunami, and still has to grapple with a nuclear nuisance. On a side note, for the love of God I hope none of you are just learning this now. If so, kill yourself, preferably by suicide bombing a busload of rapists.
Now, I know some of you are wondering why I'd bring up the Japan situation unless I planned on listing several dozen horrific Japanese jokes. Sad to say, I'm still keeping these on lockdown (supplies!). I got some good advice a few weeks ago that I should wait on jokes like these until there's a definitive body count (and for a people known for their math skills, they sure are taking their time on this).
So what am I writing this for? Because according to geologist Jim Berkland, the West Coast is due for a big one right about…meow. During his interview on Fox News (and they never let just any alarmist on), the man renowned for predicting the 1989 San Francisco earthquake to within four days says that this week, shit could go down, and hard.
As any non-clairvoyant geologist will tell you, it's impossible to predict earthquakes. Their jealousy aside, I tend to agree. Regardless of if you believe everything you hear on Fox News (which you should), the larger truth of the matter is how dangerously unprepared most of us are for a major disaster.
How many of us know basic medical procedures, such as CPR or do it yourself lasik eye surgery? How many of us have a three days supply of food, water, and drugs? How many of us are armed enough to repulse marauding minorities?
In the past week, I've loaded up on supplies like canned food and bottled water. It doesn't cost that much, which is good because my dad works hard for my money. The point is, I'm prepared, and Allah-willing, will survive the first three days of a disaster.
Now we get into the psychology of disaster preparedness. As you all know, I'm a dickhead. This is not news. So, when I've spent my dad's hard earned cash on disaster supplies, and have lugged em all inside the house, part of me really wants to use them. Some have scoffed at my preparedness, and I want them to suffer or at least squirm a little. I want to be justified and vindicated. I want shit to go down, hard.
This brings up a good question: can I bask in schadenfreude even if it hasn't happened yet? The answer is no. Thus, I'm pulling for an 7.0 to shake things up. Nothing too brutal, just enough to make people go a lil ape shit for a few days. 
Does this make me bad? Of course, but there's another reason I'm rooting for a local natural disaster: so I can have the credibility to make distasteful and cruel jokes about mass suffering. Gilbert Gottfried, you've inspired a monster.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

A Buzzer Beater for Libya?

I'll start by stating the obvious: that by the time you finish reading, the situation in Libya will have likely changed. Hmm, now if that doesn't induce you to keep reading, I don't know what will!


But there's much the mainstream media (this includes Fox News) isn't saying or talking about. Needless to say, I'm happy to step up.

Let's start off with the basics: after four decades, dictator and notable sunglasses enthusiast Colonel Muammar Gaddafi is under threat of being ousted. Or at least, he was (I'll get to this later).

One tactic not much reported that Gaddafi is using is the hiring of foreign and domestic mercenaries. The dude has a ton of money, and is using it in up front cash and promises of generous payments at the conflict's conclusion. This money is giving Gadaffi the ability to surge across Libya, as well as squash uprisings in the nation's west. The most prominent group of mercenaries are the Tuareg, who are nomads of the Sahara with literally millennia of experience with this sorta thing. Suffice to say, they don't give a fuck, and are willing to do things that Gaddafi's Libyan forces aren't willing to do to their own people.

The foreign enforced No Fly Zone is a new variable that transforms many other variables, chief amongst them are the desertions and recruitment of pro-Gaddafi forces.

Gaddafi, in his deep benevolence towards the plight of the people, has declared a cease fire, hoping to induce the rebels to cease their fire. Only the most gullible would believe his intentions for a second. It would be too complimentary of me to call this a ploy, but it is designed to give Gaddafi time to regroup and reload from his previous assaults. His supply lines are long, and reinforcements from the West are being delayed by sporadic uprisings. Gaddafi's forces are keeping cities such as Misrata and Benghazi under pressure while he redistributes his firepower.

The key question coming after the No Fly zone announcement is this: how far will Coalition forces go in protecting the rebels? The UN resolution itself is uniquely broad in its language, forbidding only land forces from occupying any part of Libya. The resolution allows for any actions that are necessary to protecting civilians. This could include strikes against Gaddafi's land forces, a move that would turn the tide of the rebellion, or if unused, would ensure the defeat of the rebels. This decision, to use airpower against ground units, will determine the fate of the nation more than anything else.

Since the start of the rebellion, huge swaths of the Libyan military have been defecting, and even right now, continue to do so. Libyan forces observed by Western powers have been seen stopping in the deserts and resolving 'internal conflicts' with gunfire. Even within the forces loyal the Gaddafi, there is conflict. What's retaining and recruiting more forces to Gaddafi is money along with the general consensus that he'll win out. Had Western powers acted with strength and punctuality, Gadafi's promises of wealth would have been ineffectual, since getting paid by a dead man requires a ton of paperwork.

I had typed out an elaborate paragraph of monday morning quarterbacking, but decided to sum it up with this: the UN is less clutch than Chris Webber, often wanting to take timeouts during inopportune times. Suffice to say, the UN acted a week too late.

The question is then, why do we care? We care because the region can prosper only through representative-reforms, and if successful, the rebellion will fuel other anti-authoritarian movements.

What will it look like in the eyes of the Iranians when Libya has overthrown it's dictatorship? What will people in China think when they view celebrations in Tripoli? With Saudi Arabians blink when Gaddafi's palace burns? What will the people of Pyongyang think when they-oh, that's right, they haven't discovered television yet. But my point stands, that the 2011 North African revolutions have spread democratic reforms in a way that the Iraq and The War Against Terror have not.

This is where American military power can be maximized. This is where we can use our air force and navy to give antiauthoritarian forces the firepower to overthrow brutal regimes. We won't be landing any troops on the shore of Tripoli, so I think comparisons to Iraq and Afghanistan are a stretch. But if we did, it's important to remember that unlike Iraq, Libya is a relatively homogeneous population;  and unlike Afghanistan, Libya is geographic wet dream. Let me explain.

Libya much easier to control. That's why 5-15% of the population has been able to repress Libya so far, and will continue to do so. Historically, whoever has been able to control the coast has been able to control Libya.

It's understandable, and even a good sign, that people bring up Iraq and Afghanistan. It's important to understand how America overreached there. Afghanistan and Vietnam have demonstrated we are lead history illiterate leaders (both these nations are known as places that Empires go to die). Iraq and Afghanistan showed us that we can't impose democracy in a fractured and psychologically damaged nation.

But Libya is none of these things. Libya is in fact a religious homogenized nation, with 90% of the population being Sunni. Also, Libyans are among the richest in Africa, and boast one of the highest literacy rates on the continent. If there's a place where democratic reforms can take hold and prosper, Libya seems to be it.

If the rebels win out, the question would remain of what would come next. Would the rebels consume themselves in deadly infighting? Would forces loyal to Gaddafi wage a guerrilla war? Would a coalition of Hare KrishnasScientologists paratroop in and conquer the nation? It's hard to say, but let's take some stabs at it.

Allah only knows what the rebels would have come up with in terms of a government, but suffice to say it would be more democratic than it is now. Chief power players in the new order would be the military leaders of the rebellion along with the former high ranking officials from Gaddafi's government. The risk for religious fanaticism is lower than it would be other places, mostly due to the relative prosperity that Libyans enjoy. Nobody with a TV wants to live a 7th century lifestyle, as fanatics would have them do.

But, this is all pissing in the wind, since the rebels won't capture Tripoli, and won't survive until Easter without more direct international assistance. Perhaps prompt air support and logistical support would have extended the revolution long enough for it to achieve victory. On a totally completely unrelated note, I remember another eight year revolution that depended upon foreign involvement. Nine out of ten kegs of gunpowder used by Americans during our spat with England were in fact supplied by France.

If the West wanted to assure the rebels of victory, then we would attack Gaddafi's army units while providing material support to the rebels. If these two steps aren't taken, then expect Gaddafi to be in power for the next decade, before one of his sons takes over the family business.

After the rebels have been squashed in a few weeks, Gadafi’s forces will use terror and death to control and punish the Libyan people. Months of massacres will be newsworthy, but the oil will start flowing again and we will overlook it. Who wants to pay $4 for a gallon of gas anyway?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

First Post

Occasionally, when I put clothes in the dryer, I forget to turn it on, then return to the room an hour later. The worst part is seeing myself in the mirror and saying, "I'm not angry, just disappointed."

Welcome to my world. And yes, it's BYOB.